Thoughts to Share

I've lost many loved ones in the last 11 years of my life. Big personalities, good and kind hearted people. They've all left massive voids in my life and each time I've lost someone, I've always thought "how am I supposed to go on?" Somehow, you get this burst of hope, energy and love from places you wouldn't imagine. 

What I've learnt the most is to be patient. Grieving is hard. Coming back together and getting on is even harder. It is so important to be a good person, and to not get caught up in worldly pettiness, finances and shallow stress.

Most of all - I've learnt that it is so important to enjoy the life that was gifted to you. Enjoy good company, good food and laugh. Laugh as often as you can - and thank God for all the wonderful pleasures (big and small) that he has given to you. This life here is very temporary, but do good whilst you're here.

I hope to be as inspiring, good hearted, kind and generous as those who left my world.

In loving memory of my father, my grandfathers, my grandmothers, and my uncle

In Loving Memory (part 2)

A few days ago, whilst at work my mum called me to tell me that my uncle had a heart attack. The urgency in her voice took me back in a flash to when she called me the afternoon my dad passed away. It was the same lost, confused and completely and utterly scared tone that shook my world 11 years ago.

I rushed to the hospital where I found out that he had passed away. My world felt broken, and I felt so hurt for my aunty and my cousins. I looked at my mum and all I could see was that pain that took 11 years to get pass. I couldn't believe it. I mean, I had just met him a few days prior, and he was fine. He was so peacefully happy and he didn't seem like he was in a hurry to get to anywhere else. Him and my aunty sat at our house for a long time, eating and drinking with us.. He came over to congratulate me for passing my test, joking that I'd have to warn him once I left the house in my car so he'd clear the streets and stay at home for safety reasons.

The last few days have been very hard. Mostly because it's like a repeat of what happened to my family a decade ago. It's been very hard on my mum who took him as a father and an older brother. She went to him for so much advice, and in return he gave her so much support. My aunty and uncle to her are like her own parents, as she lost hers in the last few years as well.

I've been thinking a lot about my uncle. About the very many memories I was, and we were, fortunate to make with him. He was a short, sweet, funny and amazing man. He made the most yummiest BBQ chicken and meat. When he knew my mum and I would be coming over in the weekend, he'd always prepare some for us. It was this comforting, fatherly thing he did for us. He always supported us, took part in our happiness and comforted us in our sadness. He prayed for us and always made sure he spoke to us every week. He was the head of the family, with the most saddest sense of humour but so much knowledge about our family and the ties we had within the community as well.

He was such a wonderful person. He did so much good. He was such a simple man, he was not materialistic, he didn't care for things we get caught up in this day and age.. And boy did he enjoy his food! I can say with utmost surety that the foodie in me, comes from my dad's side of the family. 

He took over quickly and brilliantly after my grandfather started falling ill. After my father died, he was the next closest thing I knew in that type of figure. When I look at my aunty and my cousins, it's almost like a deja vu type situation. I know how they feel. My mum knows how my aunty feels, and all I can say to them with complete and utter faith is that it's going to be okay. It's going to take a while, but it will be okay.

I've realised that I've become very resilient and I can now certainly say that death does not affect me like it once did. I have lost the ability to cry, the ability to feel sadness and the ability to feel that pain that comes with a great loss like this. I certainly miss him, and I certainly feel like my life is very different and quite empty without his presence.

Until we reunite again, Papa - I miss you and I love you.

Awesome post

So, I write to let you all know that I have a great idea for a post.

:D

I'll post soon! I haven't forgotten. How could I?!

Safe Haven

“‎When she looked up at him, it was suddenly easy for her to imagine that her fears were pointless. That he would love her no matter what she told him, and that he was the kind of man who loved her already and would love her forever.."

Twenty Five .. (I'm Getting Old)

I was looking through my blog the other day at work (I was very very bored, and there was honestly no work to do. Although the chances are even if there was work to do I'd be doing the same thing) and I saw how I've been consistently writing about all my birthdays every year. About how the past year has been and etc. This year I thought I'd change it up a bit and have a to-do list of what I'm going to do this coming year. Are you ready?

1. Pass my driving test
2. Find a man to marry
3. Wait for the third series of Sherlock
4. Find a man to marry
5. Horse riding
6. Sky diving
7. Find a man to marry
8. Tone up
9. Bungee jumping
10. Become a better cook
11. Find a man to marry

Not a bad list right? And very very doable. I also think if I write "find a man to marry" a few times.. I may actually do it. And I may find him. I don't like playing hide and seek any more, FYI. If you, my future husband are reading this.

So. Twenty five. Five years away from thirty. That's a big deal, right? I look forward to the next five years. I have no idea what they'll bring but they will definitely be better than the last five. They say your twenties aren't really that great. Things get better in your mid-late twenties, and then even better in your thirties. So far, that's been pretty spot on. I like the idea of 25. I feel like people will take me more seriously. And by people I mean me.  Apart from the very little seriousness, I've started having far more fun than I thought I could. I feel like exploring more places, doing more things and just being more independent. Okay, so I just realised that I've always done this.. So 25 isn't that different.

I'll check back to this post next year when I'm 26 and let you know what I think.

 

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul. 

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeoning of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed. 

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid. 

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishment the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

                                             - William Ernest Henley 

Flight

New beginnings. That's what I'm all about. That's what I write about. That's what I wrote about when I yearned for them. And lately, I've been been witnessing them more than usual.. Not that I'm complaining.

I left my job. I finally did it! Although I wasn't as brave as I thought I could be.. And I resigned after finding another job, although in a similar field. It felt bittersweet as I rolled in to my last day a few days ago. It felt so new, and it was my first "last day at a job" so that was pretty great. Especially since I've hardly had "first time" events in the last few months, although I hope that is to change in the near future. 

I talk a lot about change, I know - but it's what I'm used to. It's what I know and what I am about. I have had many periods in my life where there has been no change, but constant turmoil, or just boredom. I have realised though, I can actually be pushed really far before I feel like I'm breaking (or falling apart.. Or falling together, depending on the situation). As time goes on, and more changes occur, I understand more about myself and I see how resilient I am. Yes, I have moments where I'd rather give up and pretend that certain issues don't exist, but on the whole - I feel like I've become more persistent in dealing with everything as and when it comes along. In short, I am never too surprised with what I have been faced with.. I realise how that comment can be both pessimistic and optimistic at the same time.

Over the last few months I have seen myself do and say things I thought I'd never have the confidence to do. Especially at work (although it spans over to my personal life as well). Things like speaking up when I felt something was going wrong or felt uncomfortable with to things like giving myself credit where it was due (not to be mistaken with pride).

As I have also involved myself with matrimonial searches - I have become more open-minded and far less reserved in talking about myself. It has helped in making me understand what I want in my future, and where I'd like to be.. And what type of person I'd like to be there with. It's exciting, for sure but it can get a little monotonous and a bit confusing as well. All I know is.. When I finally find Mr. Sanaa.. I'm going to interrogate him about why he took so long to come along, and why he's so bad at playing hide and seek. So Mr. Sanaa, if you are reading this, you better have some excellent answers ready for me. Also note that I am more forgiving when presented with Godiva chocolates.

And finally.. To all those afraid of change. It's a wonderfully mysterious and exhausting thing. If you have your arms open, it's usually a little less messy.

.. Oh and a song, of course.

Excelsior

excelsior  (ɪkˈsɛlsɪˌɔː)
— interj , — adv , — n
1.	upwards

A new song

Yes, I have slacked. Okay. I'm guilty. There, I said it. But it's not like I didn't think about you (you being the single follower I have). 

But seeing as it's a new year and all of that jazz - I thought of sharing with you my new favourite song. 

I'm addicted to it, to say the least. 

Le sigh..

I also promise to be a better blogger this year. You know why? Because 2013 is going to be absolutely great. It's definitely going to be the year of greatness (this includes the plan that I have been making consistently every year to go Sky Diving! Yes I'll post pictures!)

More to come!

What if the storm ends?

With the weather so stormy, gloomy and unpredictable lately - it made me think a lot. Although, let's be honest - very little needs to happen for me to go in to my deep thinking zone. It happens instantaneously.

It's been a strange few weeks. There have been feelings of complete loss of control, as well as moments of pure elevation. It's been fantastic nonetheless - why? Because I've finally learnt something that I've been trying to teach myself for years - I've learnt to stop stressing. Yes, I know. I was just as shocked when I realised this wonderful thing. You know how they say that you usually come across moments of complete clarity after some type of psychotic frenzy (okay perhaps "they" do not say that, but George from My Best Friend's Wedding does, and that's more than enough for me) - well something similar finally happened. 

Unlike the movies, I didn't have a sudden shift in thinking - it was something that I felt coming on for a while. The actual work had started long before the actual change took place. I struggle a lot with emotions. This past year has taught me how cathartic, crazy and how absolutely unpleasant emotions can be. Obviously these nasty things can lead to stress, stress can lead to various illnesses physically, mentally and internally - and I struck all three. 

It was a work in progress - learning how to deal with stress. I tried the "just shut it out" method - in other words, ignoring it, but not really ignoring it because all it's really doing is building within you, turning in to kidney diseases, turning in to migraines and all sorts of horrendous illnesses. I tried the whole "fight it" method too, where you confront what's stressing you the most in a systematic order. Although this worked better, it was still tiring because at some point the exhaustion would come and find me and make me feel awful. I then came across the "be patient" method - ie, you endure all the stress, deal with it in any sort of haphazard manner and carry on until you realise that the stressor no longer exists. Somehow, using everything I learnt or tried I came to a bit of a crazy breaking point where I felt that everything was falling apart, etc etc. In shorter words - the whole "woe is me" phase. We all know it too well, let's be honest.

The weirdest part is - after all the ugliness fades, and is dealt with - you (well, the cynic within me) realise that there will always be some type of storm brewing - be it in your mind or body directly, or the atmosphere around you, to the nature around you and the wide world as well. In your mind, you subconsciously wait for the next big thing. There's also this strange feeling that - you want to hold on to something disastrous that happened to you, because it so often defines who you were or who you become. It's almost.. a part of you. I know, what a grim thought.. But nonetheless, true.

In true fashion, no disconsolate post makes sense without a fitting song. Here it is

Quote

The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me. That's what I'd hoped to give you forever.

- The Notebook

Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz

There is a word in German: Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz. And the closest translation would be, 'lifelong treasure of destiny.’ But she is not my Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz. She is my Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand, you know? It means, 'the thing that is almost the thing that you want, but it’s not quite.’ Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz is not something that develops over time. It is something that happens instantaneously. It courses through you like the water of a river after a storm, filling you and emptying you all at once. You feel it throughout your body.. In your hands. In your heart. In your stomach. In your skin. Have you ever felt this way about someone?

I think so

If you have to think about it, you have not felt it.

And you're absolutely sure you'll find that someday?

Everyone does eventually. You just never know when or where.