Ten

I've been thinking a lot about how to write this post. The post that marks the tenth year without my dad.

I came to the decision that I didn't want to write that much. I have spent the last 10 years moving past his death, understanding who he was, loving him more and missing him more than ever. The stories I get to know about him from people I barely know to my own family, bring me closer to him. He is this wonderful, mysterious man who amazes me with each passing day.


For those who have followed this journey, you'll know that he means the world to me. There are not enough words in this world, that could describe what he meant to me, what he meant to my mum and my sisters. He remains this magical man, this person that no one can break or ruin, and it only grows stronger.


I still cry and feel upset at this loss - 10 years later. It's taken so long for me to get to this point I am at now, and I realise that I could not have dealt with it without his teachings, and most of all the inspiration he left within me to live life the way he did - with grace, faith and humour.

To the man who left 10 years ago, changed my world, and inspired me to walk on a better path - my father.

Thank you to all who supported me through the last decade. I will continue to love and miss him, but I think it's time for the words and memories to find their own place.

 

Twenty Four

Yes, it's my yearly birthday update! Except I made a bit of an error and wrote "23" instead of "24". I guess it's true what they say - your memory becomes weaker as you grow older! Eekh.


If I were to pick the best year in my 20's - I'd definitely pick the year I turned 21. It was a pretty interesting year, but I won't bore you with all of that again, seeing as I've spoken about this before. However, if I were to pick a year that I was most excited and most looking forward to - I'd have to say, it was this year. 


23 was pretty crap. Let's be honest, whatever could go wrong - went wrong, terribly. It's such a strange age, it's neither here nor there - it's just in the middle, a place no one cares about. It's such a difficult age as well, because you're realising that although you had a good grasp on the "real world" it gets much filthier, much more scarier and that much more fascinating than you ever thought. I always felt like I had a good understanding of the world around me, and I did for the most part. What I didn't know was how much your life changes once you are done with education. How different life gets once you start working full time, and what that means for your social life, your family life, your own time.. It all changes so much. And although all these changes are all positive ones, it makes you grow and understand so many things from different angles, it really makes you ask difficult questions to yourself. The ones that were predominant with me over the last year were - "what am I doing, do I want to study more, do I want to work full time, where are all my friends, where am I, why has everyone become so aloof, why are my priorities so different and most of all.. Where do I fit in?" I've heard it a lot from friends and family who graduated prior to when I did, and their advice was to be aware of "that" year. Despite their advice, people go through changes in all sorts of paces, so I thought no different.. But it hit me. That very crazy, haphazardly placed year hit me.. And I was so happy and relieved when it came to an end a couple of weeks ago. 


In Psychology there were a few theories that we learnt about - in life transition and life stages. I remember that the 20's were marked as one of the bigger transitional periods, in terms of making big decisions with education, occupation, love and other great things. So really, it's an early-life crisis, similar to the infamous mid-life crisis.. Except you're too underpaid to buy a posh car. Plus I don't have a license. And I don't want a posh car. I do that with phones. I've changed my mobile about 4 times in the year I was 23.. That shows great instability (although at least now I know which phone manufacturers to stay away from!).

I never really thought age meant anything. I mean they're just numbers put together, that define how many years you've been on the planet. And if anything, it's quite depressing, especially as the older you get, you have nothing to show for your time on the planet apart from a few failed relationships, and perhaps a great career or something.. But nothing substantial. I don't want to be that type of statistic. I want to grow older, add different variations of numbers to my age, and go through them with grace, dignity and so much experience. Experiences of all sorts - of love, of challenges, laughter, hopes and excitement. See, there's a lot to our existence, and we just need to make it count. I think that's why all these transitional periods in our lives are so hard - its because we can't put our finger on what we really want to do, who we really want to be, and where we really want to be.. Instead of spending time in all those thoughts, and wasting a year (literally!), it's better to just take things as they are, where they are, and in whatever form - and deal with it, make it your own. It's easy to fall in to what theories have already planned for us - that we need to have a breakdown at certain times in our lives, because we feel that we're not achieving enough or whatever it is - but really, it's really not that devastating. 


My main aim for this year is to do as many awesome things as I can. First stop - a few weeks in California in the nice hot summery month of June. Following that, FINALLY getting my driving license.. And following that, who knows, perhaps falling in love on a train journey with a Ryan Gosling look a like (I'm giggling already).. It's all very exciting!


Here's to me - and my most eventful year yet.

Melody

As you must know by now, I go through moods and phases with music. For a very long time, I hadn't updated my iPod with any new music or even bothered looking for new music otherwise. 

Over the last few weeks at work, I've started to listen to a lot more music whilst completing some of the more repetitive yet important databases and so forth. It actually helps drown out all the very annoying conversations around me at times - with people constantly asking if you want tea, or something to eat or drink, it can really throw you off your concentration. I find it better working with music now than I did when I was at uni. In fact, at uni, I used to play music to procrastinate and do all sorts of other things. 

Obviously working is different than studying, seeing as you don't get paid to study and you do for working.. Hmm. So anyway, I've been discovering a lot more music in the recent past, and so much of it is so mellow, and so extremely captivating.

Here is my latest obsession.. Listen to it.

America - Days 5 - 8

Day 5: Salty

It was a busy day at work again - and by this point, me and my other international colleagues felt that we needed some nutrition. For dinner, we decided to cut up a lot of fruit (a whole Pineapple was involved) and cereal. It was actually, really nice. We sat there, talking and crunching on bran flakes and apples. 

During the day however, a colleague of ours bought in some better, hotter and more softer pretzels, also eaten with mustard along with a variety of Water Ice flavours. I have to say, the experience for eating both again, but this time - a better version of both, was much yummier! Although I think I am done with pretzels for a long, long time!

Day 6: Busy, busy, busy

It was a very busy day - as it was our last day in Glenside, and we had back to back meetings all day long. Our colleagues took us out to an Indian restaurant called Tiffin, which smelt gorgeous as you walked through.. However, the first time I started to feel a little queasy on this trip was after I ate the food there. I know, how ridiculous is it that I, an Indian felt ill after eating Indian food. But I think, due to my food snobbishness (I am obsessed with everything being fresh, with no additives - be it colouring or flavouring) I felt ill from the moment I saw my BRIGHT RED Paneer Tikka Masala. It was unusually red. And I could feel my body resist the consumption of this food, but I was hungry and I wasn't about to become a total snob. I have to say though, it was just a great experience, despite the whole food thing - because we got to hang out with are very cool and very nice colleagues!

By the end of the day, the only thing that was on my mind was getting rid of the bad stomach ache I had, and the awful migraine that came upon due to the bad stomach. It started raining as well, and the overall temperatures started getting colder too. I decided to meet up with some of my old students and it was really lovely seeing them again as well.

Day 7: "Fairytale of New York"

We left Glenside for NYC early that morning using the Bolt Bus (like the Mega Bus), and it cost us only $13 per person and it took about 2 hours to get there. The drop off point was great, because it was about two streets (or as they say in America, two blocks) away from our hotel. 

The hotel we chose was bang down in the middle of the Garment District. At first, I thought it was a grungy area, but as we wandered about a bit, we realised in fact how extremely centrally we were located inside Manhattan. It was great for a 24 hours stay, as we could walk everywhere, see everything we wanted to see and get back to the hotel which wasn't that far from any of the districts we were visiting.

So, to begin - after getting to our cosy hotel room (which by the way, was a Nutrition based hotel - Just what I needed!) we decided to freshen up a bit and head off with a map in to Greenwich Village and Soho and see what we could see for the rest of our afternoon. We took the subway - which was a total chaos for me, because it was so dirty, so smelly and so absolutely gross - that it traumatised me - and figured out quickly what each station meant. To be honest, I wasn't that excited by Soho or Greenwich village, partly because I was still feeling a bit ill from the food, and partly because we were really exhausted by this point. 

We ended up finding our way to Ground Zero, where they are currently in the process of building I believe 4 new world trade centre towers. It felt really strange being there - to us, obviously it meant nothing personal as we weren't there when the 9/11 fiasco took place, but to see others there with all these emotions, it was pretty interesting. It didn't seem like anything spectacular or that even a tragedy took place there - because there were building works all over the place. 

We found a small stall of souvenir t-shirts where we decided to buy some. This decision was based on the fact that the man selling these t-shirts was Pakistani, so I decided to talk to him and feel a bit at home in a city so claustrophobic and overwhelming. He was really nice, and I had a chance to practice my Urdu - which let me tell you, is bloody awesome! He obviously gave us good discounts, and I happily went with the whole thing.

We decided to walk on and head off in to the south, towards the port that had ferries to Staten Island. At first I was reluctant to get on to anything that floated on sea, because I always get so sea sick. But this ferry was massive, it didn't rock and it was actually one of the best bits about the NYC trip. It was great, because the air was fresh, it wasn't too hot but the sun kept shining! Obviously I took lots of Statue of Liberty pictures as well as views of the entire city of Manhattan. It was lovely to say the least. 

After the ferry, we managed to make our way back Uptown where we wandered off to find a couple of shops and buy a few things. We passed by the Empire State building too - and I didn't realise it was there until my friend pointed it out. It was very anti-climatic, once you've seen taller and more impressive buildings/towers like the Petronas in Malaysia and the CN tower in Toronto. However, due to it's overly romanced nature in Hollywood movies, I decided to take a couple of pictures. I assume though, seeing it at night and actually getting to the top would have had a whole different effect - alas, we hadn't bought any tickets prior to our visit and we weren't up to queuing either by this point.

By the end of the evening, we were totally shattered. I decided to call it a night, repack my suitcase and just relax for the evening.

Day 8: "Imagine, all the people sharing all the world"

The morning started out really nice and sunny - and with absolutely yummy and healthy breakfast options at the hotel. We flew out later that night, so we decided to eat well and spend the remaining day walking the city. 

We walked to Times Square, which was about 3 streets away - and although it was wonderful being there, I couldn't help but feel claustrophobic. There was way too much happening there. I imagine at night it would look prettier, but probably would leave me feeling a bit worse. I don't really like bright blinking lights, so that would be useless. Nevertheless, I have to say that I was thoroughly excited to be in the middle of Times Square, taking pictures in the hundreds. We stopped at Toys r us and the Disney store - although we have both in London, we had to visit them both because lets face it, there's still a massive child inside me. I took several pictures with Dory and the very cool Cheshire cat. Toys r us was impressive as it had floors of sweets and a small Wonka world - basically all gobbly things that could rot your teeth just by looking at the displays! We didn't ride the infamous Ferris Wheel because there was a queue and we wanted to explore the city further.

We decided to continue our journey towards Central Park, leaving the best for last. Along our way to the Park however, we stumbled across FAO Schwarz Toy Store.. Yes, the store they show in Big - the Movie. I was terribly excited, to the point where I screeched a little as well. The toy store inside was like Toys r Us or any other toy store out there, what was fascinating though was obviously the Piano, which they have unsurprisingly labelled "The Big Piano" - I didn't get a chance to go on it and take pictures due to long queues. 

Walking on in to Central Park, we came across a lot of Horse Carriages.. Don't get me started on Animal Rights and all that, as I have PLENTY to say about how they treat their horses in the city - and none of it is positive. Anyway, moving on - we walked around the Park, and it was gorgeous. There were obviously a lot of tourists about, and naturally crowds of people at certain points - such as the Imagine design on the floor of the park, near Strawberry Fields in memory of John Lennon. It was actually quite moving and a little bittersweet being there, just because I grew up being a massive Beatles fan, and reading about as well learning about them a lot through my Media course at A-Levels. We saw the Dakota, where Yoko still lives, and apparently walks to the Park every morning. We didn't see her, but as I said, being there was just very surreal.

After that, we headed to a restaurant as my friend was adamant on eating pure American Mac 'n' Cheese before we left - I didn't have any, due to still feeling ill in my stomach. We continued walking back to the hotel where we then left for our very turbulent flight back to the UK.

All in all - I will say that the trip was great. NYC didn't live up to the expectations I falsely created in my mind, though parts of it was just gorgeous. I think I was thinking through my Sex and the City eyes more than anything. Damn you Hollywood! Never thought I'd fall for all of that. I think for me, it was the sheer exhaustion, lack of good food (obviously there are wonderful places to eat there, but we hadn't a clue where to find these), and just not having the right type of guidance through the city that bought me to my conclusion that NYC - is grungy, dirty, smelly yet strangely charming. I wouldn't want to go there for longer anytime soon. Philly on the other hand, was a better City and Glenside reminded me a lot of Egham, which is why I warmed to it quicker than any other place I've been to. I do however look forward to my West Coast trip to California later this summer! I am told that there are immediate differences with the East and West coast, so I am sure I will have a lot more to add after that.

America - Days 1 - 4

It's taken me a good while - but I finally made it out to the US this past week. Although this trip was largely a work-business related trip, we still managed to do a lot of touristy things, which is pretty great.

So here's my brief 8 days in the US.

Day 1: Streets of Philadelphia

After landing in to Newark Airport, my colleague and I headed in to Philadelphia, where we were met by another colleague. He took us on a great drive through the city in to Glenside, which is a town just outside of Philly. The drive consisted of taking us through a variety of towns and streets - such as through the very dodgy Mount Airy, which was just like something out of a thuggish movie. It was scary, and I rolled up my windows so I didn't seem so foreignly scared. The weather was absolutely wonderful - sunny, hot and completely gorgeous! 

Needless to say, I was pretty exhausted, what with the sudden time change. I kept telling everyone how weird it was that I had to put my watch back 5 hours, and how I relived those hours again. It was a concept I was totally in awe with. Clearly! All my travels in the past few years have always been in similar time zones, or ones that were ahead. This was going backwards. Anyway, after the journey to Glenside, came our welcoming in to the Office, which was so lovely! They had a welcome sign up for us, and it was so sweet. We met a couple of my colleagues, and then headed to the apartment to just freshen up and drop off our luggage. Once at the apartment - which by the way was really well laid out - and we had so much space just between the two of us - I really felt the jet lag and tiredness kick in. That evening, we had dinner with a couple of colleagues - we went out to a Japanese Hibachi restaurant. It was pretty exciting for someone who was fresh out of a 7 hour flight and looked like death. There was an exciting display of fire, and fast chopping that was accompanied with a funny Japanese chef. It was great, and the sushi was gorgeous! The only thing that surprised me a lot was how much Coke Americans drink. They drink it like it's water - with constant refills. It's actually pretty nauseating. 

After failing to catch a hot shrimp thrown at me by the Japanese chef, we decided to call it an early night and head back to sleep.

Day 2: Summertime

I woke up very early on Saturday morning. I did however manage to watch about 3 hours of non-stop American TV, which was both traumatic and great. Great because I watched re-runs of The Nanny, which was a favourite growing up - and traumatic because of how openly they advocate the taking of Anti-Depressants and other very harmful medication during TV advert breaks. For someone who is totally against medication as a whole, forget anti-depressants, I absolutely dislike taking Paracetamol even - this was the worst thing I could see on TV. To think that masses of people in America are drugged by such harmful medications, because they feel it is the right way out of their pain/mental health instabilities. It's completely worrying.

After the initial jet lag wore off, we headed to work for the second half of the day - as there was an Event we had to be a part of. It was pretty exciting - and I will leave out all details pertaining to work, for confidential reasons of course.

After work, eating a Pretzel with MUSTARD (so strange!) and having some "Water Ice" - which is a fancy word for extra sweetened and artificially flavoured Slush - another colleague of mine was sweet enough to take us out to the second biggest shopping centre in America or the World, I can't remember - King of Prussia Mall. It was nothing too special to me, seeing as I grew up in Dubai - and well, big shopping complexes were a part of all of that. It was nice however, to see shops like Macy's, Bloomingdales and of course my favourite - Bath and Body Works!

The day ended with some yummy food - a yummy pizza. And by this point I was convinced that portion sizes in the US - were in fact, ginormous. I couldn't possibly eat anything for days after eating a couple of the slices, and it was apparent that it was the norm to take left overs home in a doggy bag - a concept here, that isn't as usual.

Day 3: "It's the Eye of the Tiger, it's the thrill of the fight"

Sunday was our day off - thankfully! It was about 30-35 degrees Celsius, and absolutely hot. We spent the day in Philadelphia, and walked around the ENTIRE city - managing to see everything we set out to visit. 

We saw the Liberty Bell, Independence Hall, Benjamin Franklin's statue, The Art Museum (yes, we did the whole Rocky thing too!), Old City Hall and even went down to 16th Street to do some shopping. By the end of the day though, we were all so shattered - the heat didn't do us well, and the food was just, as previously stated - massive. 

We ate lunch at a small but quirky open-top restaurant. It was like something out of Camden, and had great decor. The only thing I started to suspect was - how much corn they put in food. And believe me when I say, they put corn (white, yellow - flour, whole, crushed, all sorts of ways) in all kinds of food I ate. So pretty much, everything. It started getting a little sickening after that day, I have to admit. It was hard to digest food beyond this.

Day 4: Philly, Philly!

Monday was pretty intense, as it was a start of the working week - and I had quite a few presentations to be a part of, as well as some meetings. There was a lot of information, so the highlights of the day were - having Dunkin' Donuts for breakfast. The last time I had Doughnuts from Dunkin' Donuts was a few years ago when I was in Dubai. My sister and I used to eat "Boston Creme" the most, and I managed to pick the same one for breakfast, as my colleague bought in a variety with a lot of (very bad) coffee. 

The second highlight of the day was going out for dinner at this place called Cosi. By this point, my stomach was totally refusing any and all food that didn't have any nutritional value - I wasn't eating well, and if I was, it wasn't good food. That night I wanted something with just vegetables, and that's exactly what I had, in the form of a sandwich. Following this, my colleague thought of introducing us to proper American smores. It was very sweet, but such a fun experience. 

The waitress bought us a whole platter of chocolate, marshmallows, gram crackers (digestives to us Brits) and a small pot with fire where we roasted our marshmallows. The whole idea was to get the marshmallow to a wonderfully soggy and brown texture without letting it burn, and putting it on top of the cracker with the chocolate pieces so it would melt in to one another. It was really yummy, but I think one would do it for anyone with a sweet tooth!

.. More to follow!

"Oh life.. It's bigger, bigger than you"

After a whirlwind few months, I have decided to make a proper comeback to my writing and my comfort - my blog!

To say that the last few months was a totally insane time in my life, is an understatement. From accepting that I had to make many changes within myself to losing my grandfather - It's been a time of total adaptation and adjustment.

I wrote a short post about my grandfather just after his passing - but what I couldn't write at the time I will write now, briefly.

The months prior to his death, my grandfather was quite ill. He was in and out of the hospital for weeks at a stretch, with a heart that had failed after my dad's passing - his other organs had started to suffer. He caught infections, he lost his mobility and towards the end he was also losing his memory. The last few months had been quite literally, torturous - for him to suffer through, and for us to watch him suffer. We knew that his health wouldn't improve, so all we did was pray for what was best for him. There were a few occasions that we were sure he would pass on, but he pulled through several times. The days leading to his passing, his face looked peaceful, he somehow seemed younger. I wasn't there when he passed away, as my mum and I were up North visiting my sister. We were told that his passing was very peaceful, and his soul left him without any torture and with total ease. It was a sign of a good soul.

Since his passing, I've felt this emptiness in my world. I felt that the head of the family, the authority, the person who bought our family name forward, the person at the top, and more importantly, the pillar of our family had gone. I last felt that when my father passed away, 10 years ago. Losing my grandfather was terrifying and I felt like that scared child resurface all over again. I had all these very intense, very deep emotions suddenly appear and I knew that it wouldn't be easy to deal with it. 

I sit and think about it and I feel saddened by the fact that I no longer have any grandparents left in my world. I knew my grandfather the most out of all my grandparents - and I guess that's one of the reasons it hit me hard. Obviously we were all relieved in a way that he wasn't suffering any more, but there was this very big sense of just plain vacant space filled with loss and disorientation. Almost everyone was thinking "what will we do now? We're so lost." He was the last of that generation, and he lived a wonderfully meaningful life. His stories of his life in India, Africa and England will always be with me. His sense of humour, his sharp responses and his vibrant personality are things I hold close to me and will learn from. He was a charitable, generous and more importantly a pious man. It's no wonder that my own father turned out the way he did - his father was no different.

In 10 years, I've lost many people in my life. I've witnessed death more than most people do in their entire life. It's a part of my existence, and although it's not the greatest, it gives me a reality check over and over again. This time however, it was a total different experience. It's bought me to a place that I thought I left far-FAR-behind me. Clearly, there have been so many different things I've yet to deal with, and are now staring back at me directly. I cannot escape this time, and I cannot ignore these things. I am open to change, I am open to let life flow freely through me and through my experiences. This is what I am working towards - a happier, better and more calmer life. I've been in turbulence for ages.

Through my experiences over the coming weeks/months - I will blog about it, and openly discuss many things about myself. It is going to be exciting.

Dada

It's been a week exactly since my grandfather passed away. He was the last of my grandparents, and it was the second biggest death in my (dad's side) family in the last decade.

It's been quite an emotional and intense time for all of us. As a family, we spoke about memories, what we should be working towards in terms of the future and as a family - and it was all very bittersweet.

Losing my grandad was a very big event in my life since the passing of my father, and my maternal grandparents. I knew my grandad better than my other grandparents, because we spent more time here in London.

He was the head of our family, a pillar of knowledge and strength, and an absolutely beautiful human being.

Happyness

I watched this movie a while ago, and it was based on the theme of happiness and appreciation. Since then, I've been thinking about happiness a lot.

There's a bit in the movie, where one of the characters sits in a cab, very upset and distraught from her life. The cab driver turns to her and says that the Universe wants her to have a lot of happiness, a blissful life, but in order to feel these positive things - she needs to be more grateful about what she has. He says that she can do this by a simple "thank you" to the Universe, for everything she has.. Followed by "more please".

Perhaps you'd have to watch the scene to understand the type of effect it could have. But to me that was put so well. And it's so simple to do.

As people, we are very selfish. As time goes on, we only get more and more selfish and self absorbed and drawn in to the spiral that is our lives. I hardly ever hear people telling me they are happy with their lives or with what they have. The only thing I ever hear is what they don't have, and what they may have in the future, but miss out on being grateful for what they have for the moment. It's actually quite sad, because people often forget that there are billions out there, that are worse off than they are. Being simply grateful for something like having running water - hot and cold to choose from - or even warm socks to wear everyday, really makes you appreciate the tiniest of things, thereby making you happier as a person. You stop complaining and moaning about the things you don't have, I find.

I've been like this for a while (thankfully!), but I have my moments sometimes where I get caught up in what I want to have in the future - be it something better for myself in terms of a job, house, family, etc - It's still a want. However, I know when to bring myself back to the present moment and appreciate everything I have. It's so important to do so, yet people forget to so easily. Maybe you don't have the flashiest car, the best job or a great salary, but at least you're not left hungry at the end of the day and you know when you come home you will have food to eat.

I think if we try and count the things that make us happy at the end of our day we would end up with a massive list of things that we'd be grateful for. I think both happiness and having appreciation for life itself and the people who surround you go hand in hand. One cannot exist without the other.

It's really easy to think of everything you don't have, and those who are no longer in your lives, but the people that are still there should be acknowledged and be loved just the same.

It's a great thing to do - and you'll be surprised at how quickly you start feeling a little bit more happy.

As per usual, here's an appropriate song. (PS - I hate how YouTube now has all these adverts!)

Two Thousand and Eleven

So here it is. My yearly post about the year gone by. Except this time, it seems way too fast that this has happened. I remember sitting down this time last year, writing a year-review. It feels so odd that 12 months have passed so dramatically fast. Last I remember, I was unemployed, slipping across the black ice that had formed due to too much snow outside my house on the way to the gym and terribly desperate to make something of my life.

If I had to describe this year in two words I'd say it was turbulent and draining. I know these are very negative words, but it's very true. Personally, it's been just that. I've felt more tired and more confused than ever before. I've had to make decisions that I didn't want to, say things I never thought I would say, and see various relationships I have dissolve right in front of my eyes without the energy to save them. On the other hand, I found solace in developing relationships with friends and family I never thought I would.

2011 will always be the year that I started my first full-time job. It will also be the year that I almost lost hope of finding a job, and then getting about 5 offers on the same day. And that is something I will always be very happy about.

This year definitely marks itself as the "bad news year".. There was a time when I would always read the newspapers (not the metro, but the Guardian or something with "actual" news, as opposed to repetitive stories), watch the news and follow a variety of news-esque websites religiously. But this year, every time I managed to read any articles, it just revolved around what a mess this world is in - from financial crises to apparent dictators being overthrown and killed, to the killing of the world's "biggest terrorist" (which let's all face, was all completely shady), to natural disasters and famine, to riots across the world and David Cameron still being allowed to lead Britain to an inevitable (and very fast) end.

I spent so much of this year in fear and worry for the world and what it is fast becoming. And that is, a mess. It's becoming a total and utter mess. And the worst thing is that 2012 will only bring worse things. But more on that later.

I think this year I definitely "grew up".. I know I always harp on about how I was mature from a young age, which is still very true, but I think I started understanding so many other things this year. For one, I understood the disgusting world of finance, then the reality of working which hasn't been so bad, but the stress it brings is unreal. Along with that, I understood what I wanted out of my life, at least the direction in which I should be working towards - career wise, and everything else too. Yes, that means marriage.

And finally, this year brought with it a lot of hurtful but raw truth. There were so many explosive moments of truth, that were not only painful but completely necessary. Relationships were strained but they found their places in the end - not the same place, but a new place.

All in all, I think 2011 flew by too fast. I will remember it as the year without a holiday or rather a year with many failed holiday plans. But most of all, I will remember it as the year that had no pauses.

I wish you all a very good year ahead. May it be filled with all types of experiences, growth and love.

Here's a song to end my 2011 with.

Bring me a higher love

I've been away from technology and socialisation for a good few months now.. Not entirely by choice but mostly because of immersing myself in work and a bunch of other things that has been a welcomed distraction away from many things I have been trying to figure out.

No, I'm not about to list the extensive list of things I have been "figuring out", but I will share one of the things that has taken precedence over all other thoughts. That is - love.

I've been questioning the idea of love for many years now.. But never have I truly spent so much time (in my mind) understanding it and the very many ways it is represented. I read many books. I listen to a lot of music. I watch a few movies and I day dream a lot more. I constantly think about the type of man I could end up with, and the type of things he'd say or do to make me happy. Yes, these are general things that girls think about when they are younger. With me however, they have seemed to grow stronger with each passing year as I get older and start to think about my future. I don't know what it is, but I am completely swept away by romance. I really am. The utterly sickening kind as well. (I feel like I should be part of a support group right now, because I would NEVER have said that, out loud.. Especially not on my space for writing). But there you go. The media has corrupted my mind and made me feel that romance in that manner could exist - although I know better, judging from real life relationships I have seen around me, I know that it is far from plain-sailing, I also know that love and romance isn't at all as it has been represented in the media. Although I wish it were. It would make, looking forward to falling in love and finding a man to do that with, so much easier.

Judging however, from my luck, I am pretty sure the above will not happen. Instead, I am probably going to be matched with someone who is very realistic (which is great) and not very romantic either. Not that I'll mind, because romance can get boring after a while (look at me, trying to persuade myself), and I'm sure I'll get used to being his soggy tissue in no time and him mine. And what I mean by that is, I think we'll get used to one another. Although I don't want that. It is actually one of my greatest fears. I don't want someone to get used to me, but be surprised by what I come out with even 10 years of being together. I'm afraid of becoming boring to someone. Or vice versa. These are all very scary things. Perhaps that's why I am still single. Because I think too much about the things I am afraid of, rather than plunging straight into them. This coupled with the fact that I would have to be with someone who most certainly operates on a whole different universe to understand me. I am starting to think, that the person I am meant to be with does not exist. I can back this up with the statistical calculations I have done as well, which have lead me into figuring out that there is a negative correlation between who I am and the man I am meant to be with. This in turn meaning that the older I get, the more weirder and more ridiculous I become, hence having a lower chance of meeting someone. I knew mathematics and statistics would fail me. Damned Psychology!

So now that you all know my big secret. Yes, as realistic as I can be at times, I'm completely the opposite when it comes to romance. Isn't that just so miserable? I've set myself up for disaster already. And instead of sorting these very thoughts out, I succumb to reading more ridiculous books and falling for made up characters. I am so going to end up becoming a cat lady. Oh the horror.

As you all stop to laughing - either out of pity or .. Well it is pity isn't it? Listen to this song.

Slow Down

It's an understatement to say that work has kept me busy for the last month. I've lost myself somewhere in between train stations and pages of books I can't seem to finish. It's like that feeling you get when you've been on a 7-hour plane journey, only to land in a place that isn't your destination but is for transit purposes. And then waiting a few more hours, carrying on to another 8-hour journey, and before you know it 2 days have passed and you don't know what time zone you're operating on.

Having said that. It's a different feeling to have. An interesting feeling. I've found myself hovering on platforms for trains more than I have found myself in my office or my room at the house. I've enjoyed being lost for the last month, because that gave me an excuse to hide behind music I lost a connection with, and books I've started but never finished. 

In this time, I have found out a lot about myself. Things I knew but never understood and things I didn't know but finally have some perspective on. It's been a month of change. In all kinds of manner. It's amazing how much can be condensed into 30 days. Fascinating in fact. It's been a month of high stress, high tension and high exhaustion. Given a chance, I would not want to relive it the same way. Or at all. But as I have constantly said over the years, Change is something I welcome, and never despise. All change is positive, in some way.

I visited my university today and I was completely and utterly in love again. Having been away from the town and the university for over a year now, I realise how much I miss it. I don't miss the experience I had there, but rather the place itself. It actually felt like home. I felt so comfortable, so together and so happy. Feelings I don't feel all the time. Or at least not at once. 

Upon leaving university, my friends used to say how they were glad that the three years were finally over. They had had enough of the town, buildings, education and experience. I suppose they're not to blame, as these feelings are only natural. I however, never felt that way. In fact, I didn't understand how to go back to "normal" life. I don't think I do now either. I doubt I ever learnt, I just formed myself into the perception of understanding what "normal" (aka - non-university life) was. I think at some point I will go back to complete my education. Maybe that would give me better direction. As now, I am on a very wavy path. I do like wavy-ness, don't get me wrong. I just get dizzy once in a while.


Having finally stepped into October a couple of days ago, a part of me felt like the past 9 months have been a quick blur. I have not been able to catch my breath properly the last few months, as I have not had a proper holiday or a few days off to enjoy my time. The coming weeks are just for that. I intend on catching up on shows I've neglected to watch this past year, go back to a gym (or join some fun classes like Zumba or Salsa) and take a day trip out of London by myself to just gather my thoughts and enjoy some alone time. That sounds pretty perfect. Oh, add some baking/cooking to that too. 


Since I've started working, I've neglected so many things I used to enjoy before. And no, I don't mean TV but things like I mentioned in the list above. I need to find some peace within myself again.

"When you're older, you will understand"

A lot of things have changed recently. Change is good - or at least that's what I've made myself believe over the years.

Whenever I have been upset or disheartened by something, I've always looked for how that event can be turned into something else that can cause a positive change. When I was unemployed for 8 months, it was awful. But instead of constantly having "low" days, I would ask myself how those experiences were shaping me for a better change. And it's true, once I got out of that phase of unemployment, I understood exactly what had changed.

I've spent far too many years in a general faithless and unhappiness state to know that every event - especially negative - has a learning experience attached to it. It makes you stronger, perhaps a bit more stone hearted (which is where I currently am I believe), and aware of the world and its chaotic personality. I've understood this from a very young age. I didn't have to wait till I was 40-something - having suffered several heart-breaking relationships and then eventually marrying and having kids, watching close ones suffer and die, or having gone through 15 different jobs - to understand how the world works and what kind of people live in it.

It is interesting then, when people older than me come up to me and say "you're a child, you won't understand" or the best yet "you have no opinion, you're just a kid still and haven't seen the world". I particularly love the whole "haven't seen the world" part of the sentence. Things like that not only insult me, but make me very angry, considering I have witnessed events that average people don't go through until their late 30's or even later. From where I stand, I think I'm mature, level-headed and completely aware of everything around me even though I may not always seem it. I find it frustrating then, when I am undermined and seen as somebody who can't share an opinion - apparently being 23 means not being "old enough" to say certain things, think certain things or feel certain things. However, it is funny how these thoughts are mostly confined to the Asian culture. Yep, I said it.

Trust me, at the age of 14, I had no desire to have to change the level of maturity I was at. I would have loved to stay in a protective bubble for at least another few years - but it was not meant to be. I don't want to be known as a crabby old lady, or as a boring individual - but I think in times of sharing opinions and being seen as an adult (about bloody time), I would like to be acknowledged as having a good head on my shoulders.

As per usual - a song to end my thoughts.