Quote

"I'm struggling to stay relevant"

A love letter

As all of you know, I love words. If there is one thing I am most passionate about is words. In different forms. In every form. They fascinate me. Since I've been reading a lot of books and taking an interest in a lot of different writing over the internet as well, I started realising how people have changed in terms of how they communicate their affection towards another through their words.

Over time I have gathered a lot of information through the various things I have seen - be it on a train, or a passer bys overheard conversation. There are always new things that I'm learning about this "new" generation that's emerged. I've seen or heard people "dumping" their partners via text message by saying things like "were ova" - I mean, no decency to punctuate or even spell correctly. Surely the person receiving this text message needs a little more information, or at least words that make sense, right? Apparently not. It seems to be a very common thing. Especially to text message someone, or e-mailing them to say "i luv u" which let's be honest, is a bit annoying. At least respect the words in their right form. How much harder is it to add a few more vowels to the entire message, right? Okay, this isn't a rant (don't get me started on Valentines Day!). 

I've seen a lot of my friends and acquaintances fall in and out of 'love' several times in the same month. I don't judge them for it, because I think it is possible to have strong feelings for a few people in different ways. I just think that there is one person that fits perfectly with us in the end. 

When I was a teenager, and the friends/acquaintances I had around me, would often write letters/notes to the boys in our school, as we were in a segregated school. There were times where I would be sat next to them whilst they wrote it and it would read something like this "hey babes, u looked so hot/sexy yesterday when u were walking to the sports hall. What was Miss X doin with u and y were u laughing so much? i told dat b**** to stay away frm u. neways ill see u behind the buses at home time today. I love u mwah." These "love" notes would be passed around the entire school before reaching their destination at the boys section.

Whilst in college here in London, I realised that the concept of "love" was quite different. It was more about the physical side of things, and more about fighting and arguing loudly for everyone to see. Oh and cheating. For instance, I was once sitting with an acquaintance who was telling me all about her "love" story. She told me how they "dug" each other (no, not physically dig a hole in the ground, the other, more cooler "dig") and how they had met at a party, and now she was coming close to celebrating her 2nd year anniversary with him. I was impressed, until she told me that she didn't care for him and just stayed with him because it was easier than looking for somebody else. It was so upsetting to hear something like that, and apparently it was quite common. They weren't really "in love", they were just together. She once dictated an email she wanted me to write out to him due to some technical issue on her computer. It read, "yeh I love u 2. Soz cant make it to ur work 2day babe. c u lata."

I know that we have to move with the changes and everything, and I'm all for that. But there has to be some kind of protective bubble like substance that stays around words used to communicate affectionate and passionate feelings. I mean I understand that people need to get their message across, and in this day and age where people are trying to make long distance relationships work more and more, I get that the only communication you can have is digital. But still, preserving words for this is something I really believe in.

I think that it's getting harder to come across people who still think or write that way. Communicating such deep feelings should just flow out from your fingertips or your mouth, not every day but once in a while. You should feel inspired every time you see that person that it takes no effort at all to just use all these brilliant words that you have at your disposal. It's not just about writing or speaking in a more sincere and expressive manner, but it's also the type of words used to describe certain things - such as using "fit, buff, peng" and I regret to write "da bomb" (yes I'm serious), to describe somebody you find very attractive. Why does it have to be so hard to use something as simple as "beautiful/stunning/magnificent?"

I think some of the most breathtaking words ever written, have come from a very very long time ago. The legendary and renowned love letter (linked) for instance, by Beethoven was written somewhere in the 1700 or 1800. Words like that, make you envision something so fantastic. It makes you think "wow, this man/woman really knew how to love".. And although that's such a ridiculous thing to say, because well you can't possibly know how to love, you just do, right? But it makes you believe that this person, whoever he or she may be, had a great love story, one of those that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, with great twists and turns with a great happy ending. But maybe it wasn't so great, maybe it was just ordinary. But you see, that's the kind of thing words do to you.

It's all well and good to text message or e-mailing the person you have feelings for to let them know you're thinking about them. And it does make you feel special, receiving that email or text message which is well written, that has substance to it. If you read it in a book, you'd swoon. No, I'm not saying that people should always talk like they're out of a 1950's romantic movie, or a World War 1 soldier writing to his loved one far away. But there has to be something, that makes the words just stick to you for the day, week, and perhaps even years - where when you think about those words, even if that person no longer exists in your life, you feel warm and feel a rush of brilliant tingles.

I think that there are so many ways to write, talk and speak non-verbally to get your words of 'love' across to the person they're meant for and I don't see the use of degrading a few lovely words to make them sound like they came out of a chewing cow's mouth. I think we're better than that, no?


In the spirit of this post - a very fitting song.

Inspiraton.Inspire.Inspiring.Inspired

I watched this movie the other day, one I have been waiting to watch for ages. There was nothing terribly extraordinary about it, but there was something that really resonated with me.

There was this scene where one of the characters was talking to the woman he shared a relationship with, and what she said was so simple, but so effective. All she said to describe their relationship was "we inspired each other." And although that's not something you hear everyday, I think it's one of the most beautiful ways to define a relationship with somebody you care for deeply.

It got me thinking, about how a lot of the time we aren't inspired to do things we really want to. We get caught in this mess, this really awful spiral of routine and just lose inspiration to getting to the places we want to be with the people we want to be with. It's actually a really sad thought.

Of course I am inspired by my parents. I often think about my father and wonder how he did so many things, achieved such greatness and continued to influence those around him even after his passing. It's people like him who bring out the best in others and leave such amazing teachings behind. Yes, he is one of the main people in my life who I have been inspired by time and time again. Especially when I have found myself particularly stagnated.

One of the fears I have is that when I look back on these years when I'm older, that I will have regrets. Regrets of not being inspired to make changes, of not taking control and attempting to achieve what I wanted the most. I don't want to be one of those people who just falls into a pattern and lives with it.

I think we all need to have at least one person in our lives who we are inspired by. A muse. Whether or not we are the ones to inspire another, I don't know.. But it's worth a try.

(A song that's been in my head for a few days.)

The rest of me

Finding somebody who you share a good chemistry with is like finding the correct song to the tune you hum but never know what it is - it takes years to find.

I have been thinking a lot, with all the spare time I have. I've come to the conclusion that I don't have a pattern or a certain "quality" I go for, when making friends. When I look back on all the very close friendships I had over the years, I see no similarities. Each person did however bring a change to my character for that place I was in. I think if I were to describe any phase in my life up till now, I would have no problem in doing so, just by looking at the types of friends I had during that time. Obviously I am still in touch with some of them, but each time we do talk, I realise how much I have changed.

I guess these thoughts came about because I've been missing some of my closest friends. I have had a lot of time to spend with myself over the last couple of months, and lately I have found my company to be somewhat interesting. For instance, I visited the British Library the other day and it was gorgeous. I loved it. There was nothing spectacular there or life changing, but it was just the atmosphere I was in. It dawned on me that, although I have become accustomed to being by myself (not "alone" - notice the difference) I missed hanging around with some of my good friends.

I was explaining this concept to a few people the other day - the concept of enjoying doing things by yourself once in a while. It seemed like some people find this idea bizzare and somewhat saddening. I don't understand why really. I mean how uncomfortable do you have to be with yourself for not wanting to spend time with yourself, right? I think if everyone takes time to enjoy their own company (in a non-schizophrenic manner) you appreciate others just as much. It's something I learnt in Psychology actually - that people tend to redirect their worst qualities or fears upon another person, thinking that it's actually a fault in the person rather than themselves (called the "transference theory" for anyone interested). So I guess if you learn to deal with these fears and gain insight into yourself, you'd probably be more comfortable in your own skin and surroundings. It is hard to do, and accept a lot of the times, but hey it's worth a shot.

Anyway, as I was saying - I was trying to explain this concept to a few people and they found it so foreign and actually laughed at me. I found it particularly ignorant of them actually. It's like somebody STILL believing that Dubai is in Saudi Arabia. I mean, what if you want to watch a movie really badly, or go to an event that is only on for a day, but you don't have the company? Most people would choose not to go at all in fear of "looking bad" or "feeling lonely." I'm not saying that I'm a loner, or I like being by myself all the time. I'm just saying that it's important to have that relationship with yourself. We always forget to appreciate ourselves, and just pat ourselves on the back at the end of a hard day to say "well-done" or "don't worry, things will get better" in fear that you'll seem crazy. I say go all out, and talk to yourself once in a while, a full blown conversation about all sorts.

For those of you wondering, I'm not deluded, hallucinating, schizophrenic or anything else.

For the rest of you, especially the wonderful friends, who do "get me" - here's a song.

Eyes wider than before

Hello fellow.. followers? Wow, that was awful.

So I decided to take a few days away from the internet and my beloved Mac (I know, those who know me well know that I am OBSESSED with Machiavelli - no, not Niccolo Machiavelli the Italian philosopher. Although come to think of it, Machiavelli (my Mac) is pretty clever. And philosophical. And everything in between - now you can see why I needed a few days away from this crazy obsession).

I've been in this really strange funk for a while. One I've had a hard time pulling myself out of. It's been a mixture of things, but I think one of the predominant factors leading to this funk was the lack of direction I've had in terms of practically everything.

The months leading up to my graduation, I had certain thoughts about how the following months would turn out. I thought that after University ended, and after the whole "relaxation period" was over that I would find a good job within the field of Psychology, and things would just roll out after that. I knew I was entering the job market at an awful, awful, awful (times infinity) time, smack down in the recession and costing cuts. I knew that people would rather take on others, more experienced, who had been in similar working roles before so that they don't have to spend money training newbies. It makes sense and everything, but there used to be a time when graduates would get priority for certain jobs and now it's just so awful. What makes it worse is that I've come across some scams as well - and believe me, when you're THAT desperate to find employment, you get happy when you get a response after the amount of effort and time you spend on-line - you get really happy when someone takes an interest in your CV. It is so annoying and almost makes you feel a little less trusting towards posting your CV on the more legit websites.

Anyway, I think I've been pushing myself far too much in trying to find a job, and not really seeing whether it's something I want to do. It's not that I am being picky, because I have been to every single one of my interviews, be it in a Financial company or something more in my forte like a Children's Charity, I've done the best I could in all. Over the last couple of months however, I decided to narrow my interests into the areas I knew I could do well in, and actually have knowledge on. I started to concentrate on the experiences I've had, rather than go towards something brand new in this miserable recession, and settled on applying in that manner. It came to my attention however that I was having little luck in that area, but I continued to complete at least five applications by the end of each day, more if I was quicker. After months of sticking to the same routine and finding myself digging a deeper hole with each application and becoming so formulaic with the way I was writing, I realised I was going in circles. I had over 40 different covering letters, and similar amounts of CV's to accompany them. My heart wasn't in what I was doing everyday, as it became a part of my daily routine - something I had a timetable for automatically and did without fail every day, and by the end of it I would just copy paste several of my pre-written statements. I found myself however, spending a lot of time on very few applications for jobs I really wanted. Those were the ones I felt most satisfied with.

A few days ago it dawned on me that I was just heartlessly doing things because I had to. I had to find a job, because it's logically the next big thing to go on to once graduation was over and done with. It's one of those pre-set plans for mostly everyone. It was mine, and I wanted to live up to it as well. Six months later, a whole lot of job interviews, rejections and uncountable applications later, I'm still unemployed. I blamed most of this on the recession and the uncertainty it bought with it, but at some point I had to stop and think. I had to reassess where I was going with everything and realised that I had a part to play in the funk I was in.

After a lot of thought, I decided to take a few days off from this insane routine. I had to spend time with myself and sit quietly and understand what I was doing. It was really important for me to be away from technology, annoying applications and everything in between and gain some perspective on how I got into such a little spiral. Obviously I didn't expect to have a breakthrough magical moment like they do in the movies, but I did come out feeling a little less hazy and crazy. I understood that I have to change a lot of my ways in order to move forward, not only in the job world but otherwise too, I need to constantly remind myself where my feet are and where my head is, without letting it get too messy.

Perhaps I won't find the perfect job, or the perfect situation. But I'm okay with that. I think what I've found most essential is knowing when to stop and just "going with the flow" without getting too stressed. Oh, and obviously listening to Gandalf's wise words of "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us" (Instead of wasting it).

Alas readers (what else can I call you people? I'm out of creative words, unless you want to see some more of that great alliteration), I'm leaving you with a song.

Understand?

Understanding someone/something is hard. You can tell somebody that you "understand" them, but do you really? I mean, we can rave on about how much we actually "get" other people, and their thoughts and so forth. But I think it's very rare we have that spark with another person where you just know what they're thinking or feeling just by looking at them.

I think I've been fortunate in meeting some very wonderful people across the phases of my existence - some whom I have shared that connection/spark with. More often though I've felt that I've known or understood the person better than they have with me. There have been times where I have thought that I was the more loyal and dedicated person in a relationship as well. This is probably down to how seriously I take those sparks/connections that I manage to have with very few people. It's only over the past couple of years where I have really started sharing parts of me (very carefully!) with different individuals in my life. There have been many moments that one of these individuals have told me "I knew you were thinking that! I just knew it!" And I have to say, it feels oddly warming to know that someone can read your thoughts or expressions that well.

Recently I've taken time to appreciate such connections I've made with various individuals across the globe, and I have to say that a part of me has been left with each of them - whether we are still in touch or not, and whether that connection lasted a day or a few years, I think it's important to create some memory space for them.

Some classic music - reminiscent of some lovely people I know, and have known.

Three Little Birds

Don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing, gonna be all right.
Rise up this morning, smiled with the rising sun,
Three little birds pitch by my doorstep
Singing sweet songs of melodies pure and true
Saying - "This is my message to you"

Plummet

I notice how the tones of my posts are changing over the last few weeks. Yes, it is definitely a reflection of deeper thoughts, harder times and different emotions.

I have found that I confuse myself a lot lately. I can somehow always give sound and logical advice to those around me, but when it comes down to myself I manage to do the complete opposite. That is, I seem to never follow the advice I give to others for myself. I have these crazy battles within my head of what to do next, all the time. It's like sometimes I'm many people in a fish market in there (I hope they're at least buying good fish).

I'm the type of person who never really tells anyone when I'm going through something, unless that person is very very close to me - even then, I seem to tell them later on when I've calmed down. I've become very accustomed to dealing with my emotions and problems myself for a very long time now, and I guess I often mistake asking for help as a sign of weakness, almost. Or not. I think I'm afraid of hurting others around me as well, that maybe they'll start worrying about my issues. Plus it's also a psychological thing - if you think you're unhappy, then you will be unhappy, make others around you unhappy and create a great big unhappiness spiral for yourself. I've been there already and it's not pretty. Yeah, I have a few odd hours of negative emotions, but I somehow manage to pick myself up by the end of the day. I guess my logic takes over at some point (hallelujah!).

I mean I understand that whatever my "problems" are, aren't necessarily as bad as other things people are growing through across the world. That is something that usually brings me back down (to earth) and appreciate what I have whilst lifting the focus away from the various hardships I may be facing. However, sometimes those things don't make a difference. Yes others may be suffering, but what I'm going through is big for me. I wish I could do help others, but I can't. The only person I can help is me, and if sometimes wallowing or feeling gloomy helps me, then so be it. I guess what I'm trying to say (in a roundabout way) is that, I know there are billions out there worse off than me, and I acknowledge that everyday in my own way.. But that doesn't mean that I should just fluff my issues - no matter how big or small they may seem to another person - off, acting like they mean nothing. Perhaps its a way of dealing with it at times, because I know I often feel different once I think about others. In fact, I feel guilty sometimes, when I feel unhappy or let down by circumstances, knowing that I still have so much to appreciate (not to say that I don't otherwise). Ah c'est la vie, non?

But I guess in the end, we all want someone to catch us when we're falling sometimes.. Or at least throw a rope.

In the interest of falling - here's a great song.

"When I was just a little girl"

As a young girl, I was quite.. Peculiar, to put it nicely. At least I think so. I remember finding myself doing a lot of things alone - like playing with my toys (which as my sisters put it "hoarding and arranging stickers" - I'll explain later), and interacting with those much older than me. When I was about 7 or so, I would always hang around when my sisters friends would come over. I guess it was weird having two older sisters and being the youngest with strange age-gaps as well as not living in the UK with the cousins who were about the same age as me. That's why my sisters wouldn't obviously want to do things with me that were too "young" for them, such as playing with my awesome doll house (without dolls of course, considering I hated dolls), my kitchen set (of course! I've been a chef from a young age!) and board games like Guess Who and etc.

I look back on my childhood now, whilst I see my nieces and nephew grow up, and that's when all these thoughts came into my head. I started thinking about all the things I used to do when I was younger, and how exactly I spent my time. A large part of me obviously stems from my childhood, which I hope has evolved for the better right now.

When we first moved to the UAE, I remember being ill all the time. There were weeks I wouldn't attend school due to extremely high fever, nose bleeds and all sorts of crazy things like that. There were many nights I would wake up with my pillow soaked in blood from my nose, and wouldn't really know why it would happen. There were also those days I wouldn't want to go to school because I was scared of an Arabic or French test I'd have (languages have clearly never been my forte!) There are several things that stick out a great deal from the first few years we spent across Dubai and Abu Dhabi - such as having nightmares all the time (some I still remember vividly!), and having my family over from the US and UK a lot as well. It was also around that time where I went to India on a massive family trip around different cities - such as going to see the Taj Mahal and the Agra (red) Fort.

Growing up, I recall spending a lot of time with my parents without my sisters as well. As they were older than me, they were allowed to go on holidays with my cousins and do other things whilst I stayed wherever my parents were. I didn't usually mind as I used to keep myself quite busy doing all sorts like reading comics (ARCHIE'S ftw!) and watching movies that I never really understood with my dad like, Jason and the Argonauts or some strange Indian movie which I used to watch exhaustively. I used to hang out with them quite a lot, and what's strange is that I can't remember what I used to do with them. It seems like such a blur, for the most part.

There were lots of moments with food though. It explains a lot about the chub I walked around with for many years. Yes, food! Eating many shawarma's (from around town) and fish fillets from McDonalds was just the beginning. Food was something I think became a part of my personality, weird as it sounds. Everyone would always ask my mum what she was feeding me, as I was quite a healthy little (fat) girl. There was this phase where I was piling on the tyres by the week, and my parents began worrying for me - perhaps I had a thyroid problem, or some type of hormonal imbalance. There were so many blood tests that were taken for the following two-three weeks. It was actually around that time where my fear for needles vanished as I became so accustomed to them. Alas, it was found that I had no health issue associated to the increase in my weight, but that I was just happy and jolly by nature.

I feel quite sad knowing how much time I spent alone though. I used to have many, many friends - some I still meet every time I go to Dubai and others who have become very close to me. I would always attend birthday parties and other get togethers like that - but I would never go out of my way to go visit them and stay over at their house or something. I was so used to playing, watching, reading and just being alone. Yes, I used to collect a lot of things - like coins, phone cards, stickers, stationary (especially colour pencils and rubbers), as well as little unusual objects which I strangely still have. Whilst cleaning out a lot of my junk last month, I came across various things which I had since I was very young. It hit me then, that I spent a lot of time dazing off to this very unknown world of mine. I was a very eccentric child.

I think the reason to why I was like that, was due to how many times we would move. I never really thought about it until recently. We would move cities or houses within cities quite a lot. I didn't mind of course, cause each time my parents made sure we were comfortable and settled perfectly well. I think that's what lead me to have less attachments to the friends I made across the Middle East, but at the same time understand the reality of things as well.

There are so many of my sisters friends (who have over time become family friends, due to my cousins moving to the Middle East and attending the same schools as us) who knew me as I was growing up. They remember such silly things about me but they also remember how I used to always be the youngest person at the gatherings they would have. It's clear now, that I was always older than my age. The interactions I would look for, always came from much older people. Perhaps that's why throughout my "teenage" years, I found myself constantly hanging around individuals who were very different - people who didn't fit into cliques or had a "group" they hung out with during lunch/PE times and those who were also eclectic in their own ways. However, I somehow always found something more in them than others would. I look back now on all the "close friendships" I had each year of my secondary school, and began noticing the above pattern in the friends I made.

I've learnt in Psychology how your experiences at a young age, affect you at a later age - such as how you are in a romantic relationship or how you form friendships. I have to say it's absolutely true. I am the type of person who has kept in touch with the people I met way back in Kindergarten - and have very very few close friends who know me well currently.

I have also seen how different children are now. I mean, a large portion of their lives are dependent upon technology. Children as young as 3 know how to operate a laptop probably better than their own parents, and use language to form such surprising phrases. I'm not saying that I was dense as a child or anything, but there were so many other things I would do with my time. I know that this new generation is quite different obviously, and can't live the way I did or my sisters did whilst we were growing up, and they would probably be singled out as being weird -- but I guess I feel almost sorry for them. Even the cartoons they watch, it's not the innocent single-meaning type that I used to watch. I mean shows like Ben 10 and this whole absolutely annoying Disney-Channel era of Hannah Montana and Jonas Brothers is just not young-childlike, you know? I mean, they have double meaning jokes and apparent hidden messages (which make parents paranoid) in mostly many "young" shows and cartoons. There's absolutely no innocence left. I think I was really really innocent till my late-teenage years. And I loved it. No, I wasn't naive or stupid, just innocent. When others were off doing ridiculous things with their boyfriends at age 15, I was busy reading, writing, hanging out with the family, travelling and just trying to keep up with having acne and all those crazy things.

When I was doing my A-levels in Media Studies, I recall doing this whole module on children TV - like a before and after segment - from the 70's and 80's to the current millennium. It was one of the most interesting topics I had ever studied. I remember watching episodes of Bag Puss and the old and original Scooby doo as well as others like Sesame Street. It was quite strange to see how overtime people started finding reasons to make shows like Sesame Street seem perverted. When I watch an old episode now, I don't find it corrupted. 

I have heard many stories of myself as a baby, infant, toddler and annoying-aged child (the very silly age from 4 - 10) throughout my life. I have heard the stories about my singing abilities of many songs, and how loudly I screeched when I didn't get something I wanted or when somebody teased me. I've heard it all. But one of my most favourite stories is how much I used to love the song "Nothings Gonna Change My Love for You by Glenn Mederios" (linked) at the age of 3. Obviously I had no idea what the song was, what the dude was saying or why it was a nice song. But it's just something that really makes me smile.

I hope this post (and song) manages to trigger some really sweet and pleasant childhood memories for you today. 

Stagnate

stagnate |stagˈneɪt| |ˈstagneɪt|
verb [ intrans. ]
(of water or air) cease to flow or move; become stagnant.
• figurative cease developing; become inactive or dull : teaching can easily stagnate into a set of routines

Alter Bridge

After my last post, I decided to go through a few photos from various concerts I've been through and came across the Alter Bridge gig.. And of course I had to listen to some of their music. Here's one of their more ballad-y tracks along with a picture I took of Myles. Should have uploaded a picture of Myles and Tremonti but it's blurry.

And here's the link to one of my all time favourite AB songs - Watch Over You

Musical Remedy

I know I've been posting a lot of music lately, and I guess it's down to the fact that I'm finding it myself. I remember a few years ago, I would listen to music (or watch films, etc) that was influenced by other people's taste. I would eventually grow warm to it, and change according to the people I was close to as time went on.

I guess those "phases" were needed, seeing as they've bought me to this stage now where I know what I like - and it's my own. It's not influenced by someone else, it's not something I watch/listen to because I became used to it. They are things I started to fall in love with myself, after years of just trying to settle into some kind of description. It's funny now, when I listen to a song or watch a movie or something from just a few years ago, and I find myself either laughing or cringing at it, wondering what I was thinking.

It feels good to know that I'm finally understanding things about myself. For example, I love listening to old indian songs that I grew up listening to (whether I really understand the meanings of the words or not isn't up for debate), or listening to some really loud Slipknot or System of a Down.. But then I love listening to the cheesy 70's and 80's stuff too, like Total Eclipse of the Heart (Bonnie Tyler) or a bit of more calm, inspirational stuff like Enya. And at others, a lot of Pendulum and Prodigy. And I can fall in love with each piece music in a different manner each time, if I can find the connection to it. These days I'm into this whole "accidentally coming across great music" period. And I think it's working well. I don't want to put it into any categories, but it's exciting.

There are some songs though, that just stand out. Like this one, that I've been listening to for the last decade. One of the best bands out there - fo 'sho!