2018

There are no excuses for the lack of updates. Except that.. There is. I moved continents guys! And before I moved continents, I was trying to move continents. So you see the dilemma I've been in, and why there have been no posts.

I will say though, this has always been my safe space - a place where I've been able to express my thoughts and emotions, in complete openness, without judgement. You see, I've learnt some valuable life lessons in the last few years. One important one is - not everyone is capable or willing to listen to you and your life story. People are utterly selfish, and as time passes by, I find it harder to find genuine people whom I can at least share my name with. Otherwise I stick with Sandra.

In all honesty, if you want to know whether someone is a good listener, and perhaps on the route to being in your life as a friend (which lets face it - is the highest status one can hold in my life, as I only have 3 friends and they're all my family members) - you need to look for the following: 

a) they aren't zoning out (if they are, perhaps you are actually boring and are stretching the story too long)

b) they ask follow up questions

c) they show a genuine interest and actually have emotional reactions to what you're saying (laughter, sadness.. No Aww's, and maybe a few tears is asking for a little too much)

d) they don't intrude to tell you a "similar" story about themselves, and hold back until you're done to tell theirs

Conversational skills have gone out of the window these days - and if people do any or all of the above, KEEP THEM. Give them your real number and maybe even add them on whatsapp.

But in all of this - I digress. Hugely. 

2017 was the year of epic changes and adventures. It was a busy year. There was a lot of planes involved, and a lot of jet lag and many more sleepless nights. My anxiety was high, and I was having panic attacks quite frequently, although not as frequent as 2016 - man you were an awful year, you were relentless! Shudder. Last year, the husband and I decided to make some positive and big changes to our lives. We weren't okay with being part of the Australian world anymore - Australia, like America - is very small minded as a nation. They think Aussie is the world, and if you have coloured skin, and can speak english well, that you must have had a good education "back home" in India somewhere. Casual racism is a thing everywhere at every work place. Management has no idea how to manage, and petty politics is what takes up organisations time than useful work being done. Staff turnover is stupidly high and the overall culture is abysmal. We wanted something more and since we had just visited Berlin on our travels over Christmas '16, we were in full gear to learn German, apply for jobs with BMW/Porsche/Mercedes/VW and any other big guys that would take us. We learnt German for a good 5 months I think. Das ist uber gut richtig? And we thought we had it all figured out. But we didn't. Mid-year we took another trip across Germany, this time hitting more cities like Frankfurt, Stuttgart and Munich to get a better feel about what on earth we were doing. We didn't feel the magic. It felt foreign and unlike what we had dreamt of. But we went back to London, and weirdly.. Found the magic. 

A few weeks later, back in Melbourne, the husband got an amazing job with a fantastic company right here in England. Once he accepted the job, the next 6 weeks were a marathon pretty much. We had little time to make the change-over and transfer to England. And then, towards the end of September, here we were. I was back home, and the husband was with me.

It's funny how life works - and I say that often. We tried for a good 8 months for Germany and it just never stuck. The moment we changed our plans a bit, everything fell in to place so quickly and so well. We were and are so fortunate for it to have worked so smoothly. Of course once we moved here, it took a while for us to find our feet and to really feel at home - there were a lot of AirBnb's and a lot of shifting around. But once we found our sweet little home, it all just stabilised itself.

2017 was a greatly confusing year as well - I kept finding myself in jobs I didn't like and my heart just couldn't settle on being unhappy and being part of a job that was just not right. I found myself questioning so many things about the future of my career path. Where was I? Where was I going? Did I want to stay there? What on earth am I doing? But what experience teaches me is that - when something isn't working - it's not the right thing for you. And as you know, I don't do things that make me unhappy. I literally, leave the situation faster than you can say "go" - one way or another. It's not quitting, it's just not holding on to negativity and getting rid of the things that aren't helping you. Think of it like an allergy to something, say, pineapple. You so badly want it to work for you because you know the nutrients they have, so you keep trying, but you just break out in huge red rashes all over your face that take days to clear up, not to mention a swollen tongue and the inability to breathe without wheezing strongly after a few bites. At some point you're going to be labelled a stupid person for continuing to try and make something work for you that your body is literally rejecting. It's best to let it go and try something else - perhaps a different fruit. Just like that, bad jobs give me massive allergic reactions in my mind and body.

Other than moving across the globe right back to where I started, we also went on one of the greatest trips of our lifetime. We went to Cairns and up the Great Barrier Reef to snorkel and dive with some of the most gorgeous and wonderful residents of the ocean. Bucket list item, ticked, all over the place! I have never been so close to sea turtles who look so happy and dude-like, and clown-fish that actually hide in their anemones! Seriously breath-taking few hours of my life. This was the reason I no longer fear the ocean, because I was in the depth of it, and it made me feel so so content and so peaceful. I feel tingly right now thinking about it, whilst I stare out at the recycling truck taking all our thoughtfully placed items.

I have also grown to want to protect our planet. We've become really thoughtful about food, wastage, excess, plastic, recycling, the environment, animals and everything that is living (except humans - they're just going downhill bruh, there's no protecting them). I never thought of myself as an environmentalist or someone who is even aware of what is going around them in this context - however, after witnessing the bleaching of the corals, and seeing how hard certain organisations and people work to protect places like Antarctica and other heritage sites across the world, I feel responsible with how I use and abuse garbage in my home. We've adopted a very simplistic lifestyle - one that is not made of greed, many belongings, or wastefulness. Whenever we can, we actually lessen and clear our spaces of "things". I no longer feel the need to collect and store various things, or food or anything like that. If we don't have it and we don't need it - we don't buy it. I hate accumulation. I love spaces that are more open with less furniture and "things" on show. I hate opening cupboards to find that there are a few more packets of nuts we need, when we don't even need to replenish them. And I desperately dislike it when other people give us their "stuff" - thinking we may need it. Some people who have come to our home have asked us so many times whether we need this or that because we don't have it, whether it's a new spice mix or a new set of bedsheets, and find it weird when we continually say "no". We no longer prepare things like ginger and garlic in advance and leave it in the fridge for years to come. Everything is fresh, nothing is stored unless it's left-over.

I feel more and more comfortable in my skin - in who I am and where I am heading. I don't want to save millions of pounds in hopes to use when I am 65, but I want to use it now in adventures, life experiences and travels. This world is huge, and it's got so much to show and teach us, so why not do that instead?

As 2018 progresses on, I feel like I am getting quieter yet more opinionated about the shambles that is the human race. I have awareness about my surroundings and the people in it like never before, and I am always reading between the lines. I am out to make myself better, stronger and more content than ever before. I want to be the best version of myself, and make no compromises with other's comments or negative thoughts. This year, I take back all that is mine, in places I have left it and people I have allowed in - and building a stronger foundation.

So here we are now. In Warwick. In front of a gorgeous park, on a mild winter-spring day, looking forward to the next big adventure.

Thinking Thoughts

After I wrote the last post, I decided to take a mind-break from thinking so much. Because really that's what I have spent pretty much all my life doing. And even as I typed that sentence I've imagined and thought of 10 things that do not concern the writing of this paragraph.

But can you ever truly take a break from the one thing your brain does the most? Hmmmm!

For the last couple of years in particular, I feel like I've been overly concerned with what the world thinks of me. I fell in to the trap of "if I wear this, what will he/she/they think?" and "if I say don't do this, will I be a weirdo?".. And of course my favourite, "what if I say no to this, will it offend them? What if I offend them, will they ever talk to me again? I know, just stay quiet and nod along". Uff, I feel tired just writing those words. In fact, just in the last 30 seconds, I've suddenly felt so stressed and uncomfortable remembering so many instances where I've thought those very thoughts.

I always thought of myself as someone who was never overtly concerned with what the rest of the world thought of me, or said about me. There have been people whom I've never seen eye to eye with, but even those people never bothered me or got under my skin. In fact, I tried as hard as possible to not indulge in backbiting and at most times I succeeded. Of course, there are always those moments where you suddenly become human, and leave all sense behind.

I remember a few instances with "friends" over the years that made me terribly upset. I'd think about the conflict we would have had and the way it could have been solved. I'd get angry and sad, but mostly because I thought a bond was breaking - a bond of mine, and if anyone knows me, they know I'm loyal to the core. So those things would hurt. And yet, even then, I was never concerned with what that "friend" had thought of me, it was always concerning our misunderstanding of a situation.

But I have figured out something along the way. I only became concerned with other people's thoughts after I got married. Why? Because it was a new territory. I couldn't justify being the way I was and making my decisions on the people I met. What do I mean by that? I've got pretty strong and accurate instinctive feelings when it comes to meeting new people. (Some may call it harsh judgement, but to be honest, I dislike that a lot. In fact, I'm always the first to say it very openly when I've been wrong - about anything. I don't have an ego about being incorrect, I welcome it wholeheartedly). I have these vibes I get from them and I know pretty much straight away whether I'm going to be able to get along with them or not. And I'm usually pretty spot on, and I stick to it very closely. I feel like there's an internal wisdom telling me to stay away from a particular person/group of people, so I listen intently. And I have to say, it's hardly ever been wrong.

Now, after getting married this instinct of mine obviously continued as we went around introducing me to the husband's world. Me being me, I was quite open to him about what I felt about some of the people I came across. I'd tell him that I didn't feel comfortable, or that I felt this person wasn't genuine and so forth. He wouldn't really say much but would just say that perhaps it was the setting, or that it was too formal as it was an introductory meeting. Of course those were all very real and very true possibilities, so I'd give it another shot. And another. And a few more. And then a year later, I would still feel the same after having met them quite a few times. I started doubting myself a lot along the way, as I came across newer people. Perhaps I was losing my edge, or perhaps I had been a highly judgemental individual all this while and masked it as instinct. But, I started questioning myself a lot - "was it me? Was I the awkward person that was giving off those vibes and they were just reacting to it? Did I offend them? What must they think of me? Oh my goodness, I must be a right old (insert profanities) to them!"

This chaotic thinking lead me to temporarily suspend my instinctual feelings and just be a certain way that would be acceptable across this new board. I learnt that if you had your own thoughts about someone that everyone else liked, you'd be labelled as a meddling woman. I learnt that if you were different to the rest and spoke up about it, you'd be feared and therefore wouldn't have good interactions with others. In fact, they'd even ignore you. I learnt that if you tried to stick up for yourself or for your husband when something wasn't true or misunderstood, you'd be seen as wrong regardless. Or, you were blamed for changing his thoughts. So, it was easier then to just be quiet, and go with motions. I became highly concerned about what I was portraying to the rest of the world, and spent my time dissecting details of various gatherings and analysing why this person or that person rolled their eyes at me, or didn't speak to me properly. 

Along this path of confusion and neglecting my thoughts.. I realised one day that regardless of what I do, or how I do it, if people want to judge you, or want to dislike you, they will find ample reasons to do so. As the "new" person, it's easier to point fingers at you without thinking twice of what your story is. And that is when I understood the stark difference between myself and others. And, I started to rely on my vibes, instincts and other thoughts with pride. I stopped being so concerned with what others thought of me, and what they assumed I was like. It is so tiring trying to please people. I mean, you go out of your way to be someone you're not just to manage superficial relationships, for the sake of false niceness. How is that ever going to bring you joy?

One thing I've learnt from all of this is.. I really, truly, deeply dislike fakeness more than I originally thought. Unfortunately keeping up with false pretense and overly fake relationships is something I cannot stomach.

Oh well.

2016: A Learning Curve

2016 was such a big year. It was my first year of marriage, my first full year of living in Melbourne, my year of getting to know myself as a wife, daughter in law and sister in law, amongst many other things. Of course, the most defining moment of my year was when my sweet sweet Cookie passed away. The most pivotal moment was when I went back home to London after over a year of being away from my family.

I have to say.. I was more than humbled by 2016. I felt like I crashed down to earth and was faced with my greatest demon yet. Myself. It was fascinating to see that all these years I talked about knowing myself, about finding out where I belonged and all these profound statements made in the depths of "finding myself". But here I was, hanging in the middle of 2016, without a clue of who I really was, and what I was doing and where Lost, didn't even begin to define what I was feeling most days.

When I was at university, there was a chapter in Social Psychology we studied which talked about how women developed their identities after they were in long-term relationships/marriages. I remember reading that, and thinking it was the most stupidest thing ever. And believe me, I still do. I don't think that anyone really ever develops their identity in one specific phase of their lives - I feel like it's constantly evolving, as time progresses, and the experiences build. For instance - I feel like a very large part of my personality was fixed within me the moment I found out my dad passed away. The girl who became a young woman that day has always stayed close to me, reminding me so many things on a regular basis as I have moved through the last 15 years. She's the one who nudges me when I get upset about small things, reminding me to let it go, for those are moments wasted.

So, when I got married, I was pretty sure that I was a ready-made person with this specific personality and these set of thoughts that no one could shift. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, where I was going and what I was doing. Fast forward to a few months down the line and I was a mess within myself. I'd go hot and cold all within a few minutes of talking to my husband, and I pretty much set myself a target to be schizophrenic on all other days. All in all, I was confusing myself and those around me. Every single day, I had a new idea of what I wanted to do - I'd open a bakery, no no, I'd be a freelance writer.. Nah, I think I found my calling, I'll be a mental health therapist. No, that's too emotionally draining, I know I'll save the world somehow. Okay, I don't think I can do that either. Yes, I found it! I'll work with animals. I love them so much, so it'll come naturally! Oh wait, no, because I'll get attached and it'll be too sad to see them go. Perhaps I'll just go in to a meaningless job and make lots of money and then do something amazing with that money? Yes, that sounds like a good plan. Plus, who really likes their jobs these days anyway? I can just be part of that rat race, and eventually once I've made a million dollars, I can spend it happily on.. On.. On what exactly?

That was pretty much my thought process all the time. I'd jump from idea to idea before finishing a full breath. I have to say, and give all the credit to my husband here - as he is an absolute saint, with so much patience to have sat there everyday and support me through my endless thoughts. And he was there by my side when I made some questionable decisions about jobs, clothing (I feel embarrassed even thinking about that one), TV shows (addiction to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) and ruining dinner recipes.. And he just supported me through it all, so effortlessly (probably a lot more effort than I could ever imagine). 

In 2016 I realised a lot of things: 
I didn't know myself as well as I thought I did. I was in denial for over a year with Cookie's health and passing and I had the hardest time letting go of him - and I am not even fully there yet. I was not cut out for full-time work which involved heavy computer usage (so I ended up making sure I took a job that was heavily computer related.. Because sensible decisions was something else I could not fathom). I am not cut out for full-time work. I want to help this world somehow, even if it's one person, for one time only. I don't agree with a lot of things other people around me think and do, and mostly I stay silent out of respect, but when I speak up, it's from the depths of my heart - and then, no one can stop me. I have extremely strong opinions. I get really sad when I'm hungry and sleepy. I get put off easily over the smallest thing and it's bloody hard to get me back on track. Being rich isn't something I dream of - as I feel money is very temporary, although I am grateful for whatever I do have. I do not go out of my way to make more money. I've actually taken a massive pay cut, and it hasn't changed my life in the slightest (apart from me being happier). Travelling the world is a massive priority. Buying a house and doing so called responsible things for my unforeseen future is something I don't believe in. Hypocrisy in any form makes me so livid. I don't believe in investments, or being miserly with the way I spend or gift something to someone. I am a pretty cool wife and don't believe in things like being possessive or nosey about what my husband is doing. Maybe because he's a lot like me, so we get each other a lot? I am a great cook! I keep going back in to full-time work without really wanting to, because staying at home isn't something I can do full-time. This conundrum is never-ending. And most importantly - I lose myself more than I find myself. And I am okay with all of these things, because this is what I am.

And, I've learnt these things about myself after I got married. Because, there was someone else there watching me intently through all the various complex layers that I was unfolding without knowing it. There was someone there who would tell me that I'm not okay. I'm not making good decisions and that I need to let go of painful things I'm holding on to and be happy. But more than anything, I had someone by my side who accepted all of these very intense things about myself, and loved them regardless. So, I didn't want to continue being lost and sad, when I took so long finding the person next to me. No use in wasting the days you wait for so long, by being sad due to one conundrum or another. 

I think it's safe to say.. That, in 2016.. I learnt how to be happy. It took over 360 days, but by the end of it.. I taught myself how to be happy. From the soul.

To Healing

My life has substantially changed since I last wrote here. Let me now elaborate, of course.

Guys, I was in a funk. I mean, a huge smelly, green and blue type funk. The kind that ginger's antiseptic properties couldn't kill (there's some health-food humour for you). It was bad. 

Let's rewind a little.

December 2015, I received the news that my sweet Cookie had cancer. A disgusting, heart-breaking and absolutely unfair diagnosis. But it was true. I didn't however, deal with it well. I chose to turn to our old friend, denial. I thought if I didn't see him on Skype, or hear his stories, and basically hid from reality.. Then it wouldn't be real. Of course Cookie didn't have cancer, what an absolutely awful thing to say! He was full of health and life. And that was my depiction of my love. On the other side of the globe however, he was fading away as the days passed. His health improved slightly and then went down. Like that, without knowing it - I was on a roller-coaster journey of emotions of learning how to deal with knowing that he just was not getting better. I decided to then, turn to my other good friend - pain. Yes. Denial and pain are a match made in heaven, and I decided that it was the correct mix for me. 

I started getting really bad pains in my shoulder, neck, arm, elbow, wrist and fingers. On the left side. It was non-stop. It would pretty much make me grumpy, sad and frustrated all day long. What a great time my husband must have had with his wife. Alas, my body showed me deep signs of grief, denial and not being able to cope with anything. Literally, anything. I started working earlier this year, through sheer desperation of a combination of things. I won't disclose those things. But let's just say, I took the first job I was offered. That job happened to be in a great university. However, I learnt pretty quickly that the job was just not made for me. It bought me unhappiness and more pain. The cycle was just getting more and more vicious. But wait, let's also add in panic attacks and anxiety, and you've got yourself something that you actually can't get out of, unless you want to.

I was spiralling quite quickly. I'd overthink, get sad, get more pain, look on google and learn that I had some awful disease, or was having a heart-attack, get scared, become really anxious, start getting panic attacks and have no sleep. And repeat. It went on like this for months. I'd try, feebly to make an effort to be happy.. But what's the use, when your heart and soul are grieving so so hard. Except, you don't want to accept it. 

I probably visited every GP in the vicinity of my house, and went to over 10 osteo-sessions. Not to forget, an MRi scan of my neck and spine. All results, of everything showed me to be 100% healthy. That, coupled with the fact that I wasn't really being myself at home with the husband, was a recipe for disaster. (Although, he was/has been amazing). Just as I decided to take steps to help myself, Cookie passed away. His passing probably caused me as much pain and misery as it did when I lost my dad. My world was centred around this fluffy man. He bought me so much joy, and taught me so much love. My heart broke in to a million pieces that day, and I still haven't managed to recover them. I couldn't let go of him.. And truth be told, I still haven't found enough courage to do so today. It's been 2 months. And I'm still finding it gut-wrenchingly difficult.

The days following his passing however, I had moments of clarity that reinforced how much I didn't want to be in that job. The job was making me really unhappy. I disliked the work, but more than that, it was not what I had signed up for. It was corporate and people were allowed to be so disrespectful and rude to me on a daily basis. Instead of being supported, I was told that we had to manage "customer service satisfaction" before anything. Walking out of the office one day, I made a decision - no one could treat me that way. I wouldn't allow it. Forget that, I wouldn't allow Sanaa to treat Sanaa that way! And just like that, I quit my job and served (literally) my 4-weeks notice. Once I made that decision, I felt so different instantly. I felt happier, lighter and so much more free. The pain and panic attacks however, still showed their faces - but not as frequently.

I've learnt that I'm a highly emotional being (thanks Captain Obvious). I have always found it hard to let go. I also underestimated how difficult it would be to move across the globe, from my family and friends. Initially, I admit, I was all hearts and stars and couldn't runaway from London quickly enough - I had enough of the city. I still don't think I could live there again, but it's where I am from. And it's definitely my first and only home-base. But, this life here - with my husband, is a wonderful one. And I am eternally grateful for him and the experiences thus far. 

In the almost year of being in Melbourne.. I've learnt more about myself than I have in many years. But, more about that later. For now, I feel like I've stabilised. I'm healthier, happier and a lot more positive than I was a few weeks ago. I still have a really long way to go - but this time, here, at home, with my new mac (yes!), my mum (double yes!), good food, love and lots and lots of words.. I think I'll heal just fine. Because.. Time, is a powerful and wonderful thing.

Loss

A couple of weeks ago I lost someone. I lost someone who was the centre of my universe. Someone who I was unbelievably attached to in the most deepest of ways. Someone who made my day really special, just because I knew he'd be there when I got home. My sweet Cookie took his last breath on a heart-breaking Sunday, and my world feels like it's lost it's light.

The last few weeks have been a bit of a tiresome blur. I feel the loss so deep within me, that even today, if I stop for a second to think of Cookie, I'll immediately break down. It's absolutely indescribable the sorrow I've been feeling. 

As you know, I've dealt with a lot of loss throughout my life. It's been a hard thing to cope with.. But somehow, I've made it through. I know that with time, my soul will heal. And I know in time it won't be this difficult to think about him. But I also know that the time I refer to, is a long, long time away.

In a few days it'll be 14 years since my dad left this world. That's exactly half my life that I've spent without him. It took me a good 10-12 years to accept his death, and to heal from all that it bought on me. And even with that, I still think about him pretty much every single day - and I miss him all the time. The thing with loss is that, no matter how much time has passed.. That feeling, the empty feeling, just never quite goes away. You learn however to be "normal" again, to laugh and to live again, but there's always this feeling at the back lingering, which reminds you that something is quite obviously, missing.

Over the last couple of months, I feel like I've fallen in to a dark place. It's not pitch black dark, but it's darker than I would have liked. For instance, I never thought that I'd find it difficult relocating away from my family. I also didn't realise that I didn't want to work full-time. These are big things to accept when you've recently married - which is a massive change in its own right to begin with. So many life changes happened in one go for me, mixing in Cookie's ill health and my inability to deal with it healthily. To top that off, I joined a job that I frankly don't want to do, and I find such utter displeasure being there everyday. My soul, has not been happy. And because of all the unsettled unhappiness, I've also been feeling poorly more frequently.

But that is how it's been. I go through a lot of changes, then I get bogged down by it all - and then eventually I see the positivity, the light and the good again. I eventually start healing and everything starts feeling a bit more right. This time however, I've been feeling a lot more stressed than usual. I feel confused. I feel angry. I feel frustration and I feel sorrow. 

On the upside of all of this, I know that I'll get through the various challenges. Eventually I'll get tired of myself feeling low - and something inside me tells me it's coming closer. I just have to be patient, and let my body and my mind take it's time to get to where it needs to. And I know, everything will be better. Especially with Mr. Sanaa right by my side.

To end with.. A short note to Cookie:

My love, my Cookie - your sweet presence changed my life completely. I couldn't and wouldn't imagine a life without you. You will always be my biggest blessing and my most adored companion. You have no idea how much joy, happiness, love and wholeness you bought to me, even in my darkest of moments. I think that is why I'm finding it so utterly difficult to move through this, without you. You've always, always been there for me.. And you will always have my entire heart. You were my home. You made things make sense, and you were the best most sweetest little fluffball.. And I'm eternally grateful to have shared 16 precious years with you my love. Rest in forever peace. I miss you my Nigu! <3 font="">

Dire

I generally am not one who indulges in many political/world-event based talks. I find that increasingly however, I'm just disgusted by the human race, and hence I don't have much to say. But lately, the world has just become that much more terrible.

Whether it's listening to a potential presidential candidate (I'm looking at you Frump-o) go on and on about racist, degrading and completely ridiculous comments about every type of person on this planet - or knowing that there's nothing left to bomb or people to kill in Syria, Palestine and so many other vulnerable countries - or watching people suddenly change their display pictures on Facebook to show "support" for the newest "terrorist attacked" city. It all makes my heart fill with so much sorrow. 

But before I go on, let me shed some light on the Facebook comment I just made.. What I mean is that, a change of picture/flag does not represent anything. I doubt that any people who have family or friends injured by inhumane events would feel any type of support knowing that some percentage of the planet's population took a second to get their fingers out of their asses to click "select" when choosing their newest display picture. No, support is something deeper. If you want to support, you physically go there - you help, you be a shoulder for those who are lost and hurt, or simply
just scared. If you can't, give charity to those who need it, but don't boast about it - be kind and welcoming to people in general. And apart from that, you can help yourself by finding out the truth. The truth about the people in power, the truth about what you're seeing and hearing - and what you are told. Find out what that truth is for yourself, not because some man with a floppy toupee and a microphone who once gave Macaulay Culkin some directions in a NY hotel - said that it's the truth, but because you know that it isn't. 

Dig deep, research and question, and don't be another blind follower of the media, it's people and those who orchestrate the events to be broadcasted in the news. That's how you help. Be a good person, not by singling a community of people out just because BBC News tells you that there's an Islamic group behind the newest attacks. If you look back on all these unfortunate events you'll find one thing in common - within a few minutes of such events folding, the media are so quick to judge the only group of people they know how to target. Why? Because it's easy. Because the media and the people in power have built hatred in our minds by brainwashing us every few weeks with something new to hate this group of people with. They've built fear in people - so when they see a woman with hijaab/niqaab or a man with a beard (although that's a fashion trend these days.. So most likely all "hipster" men are targets. Watch out!) to automatically think that they are bad, they want to kill and that they are carrying bombs under their clothes. How ignorant are we? We call ourselves individuals, independent thinkers and all these fancy words to describe everything we are not - for there is nothing independent or individual with the way we are, if this is the way the world has become. 

There are people in this world suffering from terminal cancers, they're forced in to child marriages, have to bleed to pay dowry, and have to be fearful of being raped in broad daylight, and so many other nasty things that take place on an hourly basis. In a world with already so much misery - we can't be the blinded ones. We need to find our vision, and understand the truth against these events, and learn not to pick sides because a journalist wrote a report about how muslims or immigrants are taking over the world, that is flooding the social media forums. Don't believe that nonsense because it got 1 million shares or likes. Find your own knowledge, and know that it is the ultimate truth for you. And remember, it's easy to single out people whom you don't like, for whatever reason (and believe me, you'll find reasons to dislike someone) or whether they just simply have nothing else to point to. Go beyond those prejudicing thoughts and ask yourself if you truly hate the same people you are being forced to hate? Is there a bigger plan and reason to why these devastating acts are becoming more frequent? What are they hiding? And by they, you know by now.. Who I mean.

Why hasn't anyone spoken about the events that unfolded in Turkey recently? Is Turkey not significant enough for you? Or is it that Facebook doesn't know what the Turkish flag looks like? Because that is where we receive all our valid news stories from these days, isn't it? Look beyond what you know, and you'll find that you no longer want to just be a bum-print on that chair you're sitting on. If there's anything I've learnt by being muslim, by being a woman and by being a human - it is that, kindness and love are sadly very rare traits in this world.

The saddest thing is how quickly we tend to forget about all other dire situations that took place in recent years. Do you even know why a good portion of the Middle-East was killed? Do you recall the reason behind it? We call the men and women who fight against "evil", heroes. Are they really heroes if they're killing innocent people? What is the purpose of it? You're not courageous for fighting a battle the "powerful" people created in the first place. No, you're brainwashed. The ones who are courageous are those who live in those circumstances in their homes and try to find a way to normalise life for their families, amidst the smoke, the loud sounds and the confusion. If you hurt innocent beings, you are just a low-life coward.
 
When I think about my future, and think about maybe some day having kids - I am filled with fear as to what kind of world I will bring them in to. Will we be preparing them to fight in our districts so that we can win the annual Hunger Games? We aren't far off, as some places in the world have child soldiers as well. You name everything bad you can think of, and I can assure you that somewhere in this world, some sick person has taken part in that gross act.

What will we teach our children? Will we teach them about the good? How would they believe it if they can't see it around them? They won't have any trouble understanding the bad - as that's all they'd witness at this rate. Would I want them to grow up in a world where hope, happiness and humility is fast disappearing? As I continue to hear my stomach churn with disgust with each passing day, I find myself asking questions that others find out of their ordinary.

Two Thousand and Fifteen

Last year, when I looked back on my year - I wrote about all the various lessons I had learnt. The big things that were tested, and feeling very grounded by all my experiences. As we all know, 2014 was exciting, adventurous and also testing. 

If 2014 was testing.. 2015 was a whole new level of what that word means. On average I cried perhaps two-three times a week, stressed out and worried approximately 7 hours per day, and prayed for direction every minute that passed.

I've never questioned faith, religion and love so much as I have this year. I learned what each of those mean to me now. I've always struggled so much with all three aspects of life, that being faced with them in one go, was probably my biggest lesson. Having little or no faith can do that to you. It can turn you upside down and leave you feeling homeless. When we are in the biggest turmoil of our lives, there comes a moment where you realise that no one but God can be there for you. And that is also the point you realise that actually, he's been there all along - but somehow you were blinded by other things to notice. But I do not regret it. I do not regret the questioning, the endless research, the long discussions, the feeling of being alone and feeling so utterly lost within my thoughts and everything in between. For those moments have bought me to this calmer, much more settled and faith-full place. The beauty of all of this is that, you'll always be given tests to test your resilience, faith, love, integrity, honesty and all sorts of various deep embedded values you have. It's only when you come out on the other side do you see the storm that was left behind, and only recover the most beneficial remains to take with you as you move forward.  

I spent a lot of time this year thinking about my dad. I obviously think about him a lot otherwise as well, but this year - I felt a deeper connection with him, and asked better questions about him as well. I like to think that some of my thoughts stem from him. I'll never truly know, but I can only hope that I represent my extraordinary parents well.

Moving on.

Now, for someone who talks a lot about love, I feel like I didn't really, wholly grasp on to the concept until earlier this year. Love can literally be found everywhere.. If you should only look for it. My family and I are very emotional people. We are sensitive and we love way too much. We love each other, our cats, food and everything in between with a passion. There's no "like" - there's only "love".. It's an extreme emotion. So when we get angry at each other, or we feel upset by someone or have any kind of misunderstanding - you have to stop, take a breath and look beyond all of that to see that it's most usually springing from love. The love they have for you, the dreams they hoped for you, the extreme feelings of helplessness because you're facing a hard time and there's nothing for them to do but to just watch you go through it. It's precisely that - that I've taken away from being a part of a dysfunctionally loving family. We, do not do anything in moderation. And that is not always a bad thing (but it is tiring!).

This is also the year I let love in completely - without any alternations. And boy, was that hard! Who knew that I'd be one to say that one day? I thought when I'd fall in love, I'd just fall blindly and that would be that. But the most wonderful thing about being with another person is that - there are new things to be learnt on a daily basis. There are stubborn moments to ease out, there are misunderstandings and catching on to non-verbal cues to understand one another on a deeper level and so much more to discover about yourself as well as your sweeter half. Oh my goodness, I have a husband! (I have these moments quite often lately!)

Finally, the end of this year came with heart-breaking news about my sweet companion, my cat Cookie. He was diagnosed with cancer. One of the hardest things about this is hoping that he never sees a day where he has to suffer because of this dis-ease. Being so far away from him and not being there to physically help him is probably the second most difficult thing. I have felt helpless and so physically "far".. But then, there's so many positives - cancer is something that you can beat. We have the knowledge and ability to nourish his body with such wonderful minerals, vitamins and healthy natural foods. None of that Whiskas stuff. We have natural and pure remedies which will assist his body to have no choice but to fight off all things impure and toxic out of him. That has been my comfort-blanket in all of this. And I am hanging on to it. He is most definitely my soul-mate.

I've been so fortunate to have learned so much this year. Things I didn't think were possible - I saw magically unveil in front of me. The one thing I however did not do was give up. I feel like 2015 has to be one of my most strongest years to date -  it was the year I fell from grace and let my heart and soul guide me with whatever I did. It was the year I got married to someone who was right under my nose for so many years of my life! It was the year I moved to Australia! And it was the year where dreams came true.

2016, you hold many new and wonderful lessons and mysteries, I know that all too well. Be kind to me. Let me be the best I've ever been, and let me never, ever become complacent. Let me forever be grounded and humbled by all my experiences - good and bad. Let me continue to discover new places with a new travel buddy. And more than anything, let me laugh with good belly aches and love fiercely than I have ever before. 

And no post is complete without a quote. Here's one which pretty much says it all for 2015.

"Oh soul, you worry too much. You have seen your own strength. You have seen your own beauty. You have seen your golden wings. Of anything less, why do you worry? You are in truth the soul, of the soul, of the soul."

Wherever you go.. There you are.

You may be wondering where I've been since August 13th (or maybe you haven't, but really you have), when I last updated my blog. Well, to start with... I now reside in the city of Melbourne. Yes folks! She finally did it! She took the plunge, dove in heart first and made it to the other side of the globe, to my Mister. If you had told me at the start of this year that just 9 months down the line, my life would be very very different - I would've thought you were high on something I wouldn't want to try. With the way 2014 ended, I was miserable and totally hopeless as to where this year would lead for me, and us. Of course, there was always a much bigger part of me that was (and definitely remains to be) a dreamer to the point where I knew that if there was something I wanted, yearned for and hoped for with all my soul, the universe would work its magic and make it known to me when the time was right. Ah yes, that old thing. Time. I already mentioned this in my last post, but trust me when I (begrudgingly) say.. Timing is absolutely everything. 

If there's one thing I completely believe in and have learnt through this tremendous journey thus far.. It's self-belief. Although I harped on about it so much through some of my posts, it's something I've completely grown to understand and witness myself. It's you. Your prayers, your wishes, your desires, your successes and failures that get you to that point - the point where you almost want to give up all hope and trust in the process of life and somehow get up and face another day. It's that day. The day when things will start falling in to place. It's knowing that you can do it - and that really, anyone can do it, as long as they listen so deeply to their hearts and follow the indications their souls are giving. It's so important to be in tune with what you are experiencing inside. It's the place where everything starts brewing. It's only then you know where you want to go next. What steps to take and how you'll try all sorts of crazy tactics to get there. And this journey has had some pretty insane moments. Oh who am I kidding? It was utterly mental! But then again all mental things lead you to a beautifully messy place.

There has been one thing I've found strange however. I can so openly write and express my thoughts here and on other platforms too. But when it comes to expressing myself verbally, I've found that it has been hard. Perhaps it's the audience. Perhaps it's me. Perhaps a combination? I haven't mulled over it enough to make a judgement. But I have found that I've become even more set in my thoughts and ways than I previously acknowledged. I think mostly I find it difficult to connect with many people on a deeper level because of my life experiences. It's not a usual story now is it? And because of that, I feel like I see the world a lot more differently than others. I guess this is how you learn to blend with other humans. It's also how you learn to grow. But it's also how you learn so much more about yourself. I know now that there are things I have strong opinions about - and regardless of what others may think or feel towards it, I'll continue to do the things I do in that fashion until I feel it's time to change. And as we know, change my dear readers - is absolutely inevitable. And thank the Lord, that I am open to it in all forms.. As long as it's positive. Perhaps this change will come my way, perhaps it won't. But I'll be me in all the me-ness I can muster up until then.

When I moved to Melbourne, I knew I'd miss my family and friends a lot. I knew I'd be unable to control my emotions when it came to leaving my soul-mate, and the one I was most attached to - my Cookie. But I didn't know it would be this difficult. That cat isn't just a furry ball of love and attitude, he's embedded in my soul. I connect with him on levels indescribable to anyone else. He's silent but communicates better than most people I know. He's the best companion with deep emotions. Having him around me was like having the most trustworthy and affectionate friend you could imagine. And I miss him in amounts I can't even comprehend. I also miss London, the city I grew to have a love and hate relationship with.

When I moved to London after living in the Middle East for so long, I had no idea whether I'd be able to survive it a year, let alone 10. But London is a charming place. Once you get to know her, the way I did, she becomes something so fascinating and so intoxicating almost. London is a part of me. It's where I was born. It's where I went back to all the time. It's a place, although I never called home, is where my roots are based. I sprung from there and I didn't think I'd miss her so quickly.

Of course I knew these things would be a part of relocation and marriage. I entered this new phase with open arms, ready to face all sorts of new and bizarre things. This time, with an accomplice. He has made it so easy for me to fit in to his world. My world has been so chaotic for so long that sometimes I couldn't fit in to it either.. But having him around makes all these things so easy. He fits. We fit. Even bad days seem good. And good days seem beyond wonderful. There have been moments where I have felt out of my comfort zone, but knowing that I can just look a few metres away to find him, makes it less uncomfortable. He's a good fish. And I know that I'll forever be excited to see him walk in to the house.. Even when he's just gone to throw the trash. And that, is a good feeling to have. It's the little things that I enjoy the most, I have to say. Like hearing his car come in to the garage. Or asking him what he wants for dinner. It's the moments where I suddenly realise that I do not have to wait numerous hours to be in touch with him, or to see his face on a screen for a limited amount of time. No, it's there in front of me. In real life. And this is why, I hope to never take, even the boom-boom sounds of his car, for granted.

I've said this before, but there are moments where you'll feel absolutely nothing is right or good. Maybe not moments, maybe days or even months of it. But know, that they are leading you to a place so amazing. You really don't want to miss it. So even when you want to tear your (or someone else's) hair out, just hang on a little while longer, because it really does fall in to place. And the view from the other side is breath-taking.
 
To end this post. I recall something my cousin said one thing to me before I left London. It's in the title of this post. "Wherever you go, there you are." And it bought me tears of bittersweet joy, because those words just hit me in a place that made me feel like.. It all makes sense. Everything makes sense now. The puzzle is more complete than incomplete. It's not missing many pieces. There's always some that go astray, just so you can find them in new ways. So you can change the way you fix the jigsaw that is yourself and your journey. But as a whole, I've helped myself remember to be exactly where I am. And not hope to be anywhere else like I have so often in my paths so far. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. And I am there. In love. In happiness. And in a new journey. I am all here.

Here's to you, my lobster. And here's to always being right where we're supposed to be.

Timing

I've heard the line, "timing is everything" far too many times in the last 2 years. It came to a point that whenever someone uttered those words to me, I started imagining how I could cause physical pain to them. Maybe if I put a slick of oil on the stairs, they'd fall. Perhaps I could "accidentally" drop them in to a pit of hungry crocodiles.. That kind of sadistic yet creative thinking. 

I've spent mostly, all of 2014 & 2015 being in limbo. That's a lot of days. As you know, feeling in limbo is sadly a feeling I have felt in many parts of my life. It's just not a good place to be - you end up feeling tired from all the thinking, wondering what you could have done different with the situation you're in, and then berating yourself for getting to that point in the first place. Yes, all very messy and exhausting. 

If you've ever read the play, "Waiting for Godot" - I could probably tell you that I was like Vladimir and Estragon.. Just waiting. Waiting for someone to arrive, for something to happen, for a change to occur, but nevertheless, just waiting in vain for some questions to be answered. Yes, waiting, my friends, is a wonderfully painful theme that has run through a very large part of my journeys. It's mostly like watching a cake bake.. And checking if it's done.. Now. No. Now? No. It has to be now.. Nope, not yet. Okay, now? And like that, close to eight months of 2015 and 12 months of 2014 passed me by. 

I read back on old emails, messages, blog posts and other word-filled things over this period of time I talk about. And as I read them, I can recall those feelings I felt whilst writing those words. They bring me back to that place of sheer helplessness and I'm left feeling that dull ache which I felt so often, because of how desperately done I was - with waiting around for some sort of change and miracle to come my way.

What I didn't know then was that, there were miracles happening all around me all the time. I was just too caught up playing a part in Waiting for Godot, to understand any of this. These miracles were actually pointing me to a place where everything would eventually click. And, I've learnt that.. It only clicks when the timing is right. 

Maybe I won't hurt the people who said that to me over and over again. Sometimes, when people tell you something, I've understood, it's not because they don't have anything else to say - or they're just comforting you blindly, but because, there's truth in having faith in the unknown, and yourself, and knowing that you will be protected and you will be happy. Because you so desperately hoped for it.

In the last 19 months of this journey, I have cried uncontrollably repeatedly, but I have also laughed when I thought humour was unattainable, and dreamed what I thought was impossible. I am glad that I shared this vision with someone who was also, just as persistent and inherently ludicrous as I was (and will continue to be, obviously). Especially when others thought we were completely in over our heads. 

Perhaps it's time I accept and believe in my own words - that, really - nothing is impossible to get to, if you have enough love and hope to carry you through. 

2015, my dear dear friends, is most definitely mine (and ours).

To end with.. A quote that has never resonated with me more than it does today.

"I merged so completely with love and was so fused, that I became love and love became me" ~ Rumi

Quote

I didn't fall in love with you. I walked into love with you, with my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way. I do believe in fate and destiny, but I also believe we are only fated to do the things that we’d choose anyway. And I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you.

Twenty Seven

I'm usually pretty good with updating my blog with my yearly birthday posts. But this year, I forgot. I guess it shows how it's all started out already!

I'm a year older. A lot wiser. And still dealing with many of my quirks that sometimes (most times) seem like flaws. I have dealt with so many of my fears, and have many left to deal with still. But I like to think that those almost damaged parts of me, make me incredibly human. Perhaps my choice in degree makes a lot more sense now too. 

There's still such a long way to go for me, to be a better, a much more stable and whole person. But for where I am now, I am proud to have made it this far. After all, we are all a little incomplete in some ways. And the catastrophic beauty of this life is to constantly figure yourself out, and fill in the blanks as you go on. You are, never done changing and growing. There is always something you feel you need to tweak or let go of, when it comes to looking within you. I've had a hard time letting go of so many things this past year. It's been unlike any other year I've faced, but with that, came this incredibly powerful moment, where I felt that I had finally accepted what my truth is.. At least for now.

So no, I am nowhere closer to where I had hoped to be by this age, and I have felt very sad about that.. But, let's be honest - how many times do we plan something, and something totally different happens? Yet, you find yourself to be happier than you would have been otherwise. I'm trying to, during difficult moments, remember that everything happens for a reason. What you set up for yourself, in your mind, for your future, may never be what you actually get. Or if you do, the path to that destination, may be altered many, many times. This has been the hardest challenge of the last year, for sure. To come to terms with what I had hoped for, versus where I am. I guess you could say I am a little dream-broken. 27, my friends, has already been a daunting one.

I will say, that for this year, I only have one hope. And that hope is to feel an abundance of happiness. The real, big kind. Not the fake, half-hearted one. The one where everything has fallen in to place, and I have no other choice but to smile and laugh and just be completely absorbed in love and happiness as I move through various situations that I come across. 

I think that's something that I can work towards.. Don't you?

Mountains

I read somewhere recently.. "It is not the mountains we conquer, but ourselves." It was a quote someone I follow on Instagram had posted, and that sent me in to my deep thinking mode.

The last few months have been a particularly difficult time for me. I was faced with making some really tough and harsh decisions, that I never thought I'd need to make. A lot of them surrounded with the same question.. "Sanaa, what is it that YOU want from this?" I feel that it was an important question to ask myself, because somewhere along the line, somewhere in the last year of my immensely adventurous existence, I forgot what the answer to that was. I was so involved in what others thought or felt, and how I was disappointing this person or that person by my decision making process, that I forgot to acknowledge myself and my thoughts. And when you come to that point, you know you've lost that connection with yourself and your inner peace. I had worked so hard to get to that point, and within a few days I lost it, so easily!

When you're put in an uncomfortable situation, your instinct usually tells you to do whatever you can, to come out of it as fast as possible. I mean, who willingly wants to put themselves through any sort of discomfort right? Well, another lesson I've learnt recently is that you can't really force or push things to work for you before its time to work, try as you may. This obviously leads to further frustration, because you are so impatient feeling stuck in the situation you are in. It's just all very unnecessary sometimes.

From that moment onwards, I knew I was in trouble. Losing focus on what you want is such an unfortunate thing to go through. Especially when it's a focus you build with so much love. I have to say, that was a scary time for me - because I felt like I was suspended mid-air with no parachute. I was just falling, and I couldn't see the ground. But it's during these moments, you can either continue drowning in the sadness, or you can pick yourself up and try again.

It was around this time I realised that I've actually been through this process of falling and getting up, many, many, many times in my life. And it saddened me even more. It frustrated me and made me really angry. I kept asking, why I was going through something so difficult and so agonising. More than that, I was just really tired of going through the motions of picking myself up again, and giving it yet another shot. Of course, this shot I talk about is, for myself. It's not for anyone else. I could have either chosen to stay in a pit of soggy mess, or find some tiny bit of patience and dust myself off, before giving myself the space to find the answers to confusing circumstances.

Thankfully, I decided to go with option 2 yet again. Because that's the option that allows me to clear my path and make my way to what my heart desires the most.

Along these battle scenes, I've learnt how to stand up for myself and what I believe is right for me. It may not be right for someone else, but I've learnt to respect my journey and my thoughts. My journey isn't based on anybody else but me. It's mine to unfold, and the lessons I learn, are mine to understand. Even the risks I take, I take them knowing I will not regret anything later, and will only learn from the various decisions I make. Isn't that how you grow? Why worry for something that is not in your hands, and fear every single new thing that you haven't experienced before? Why not embrace the unknown? Isn't life totally uncertain and unknown anyway? To get angry or upset at me for what my journey is, doesn't really do much, but it only distracts me and stops me from doing whatever I can to make sure I stay happy. And, that I do everything with unconditional love.

One thing I know for sure is that, you're never the same person when you go in to a dark phase and when you come out on the other side. Your thoughts and feelings evolve, and your personality shifts to maintain the strength you've achieved from witnessing whatever you have.

Last year, whilst in Australia, climbing that actual mountain, I didn't realise that I was learning a lesson. I was learning that I had enough strength to walk up a sloped mountain, but when I reached the top, I was blown away by what I what I saw before me. With the same idea, I look behind me and I see so many mountains, hills, slopes and ditches I've climbed and crossed. I've stayed stuck on some for a really long time, but others I crossed with humility and love. The views after each climb have been indescribable, that's for sure. Each time, I felt like I had conquered something so big and so enormous. Through all of this though, I've understood that life is just really, one big lesson after another. You're never at a point where you are not being tested. It's a lovely thing in all it's messiness, but it's also, really really difficult. And thus, this is how you become human.

I hope one day, when I look back on these tough days, I can appreciate the resilience, strength and persistence I worked with, to get to where I needed to be.. To eternal love and happiness.

Until then, here's a song.